Thursday, May 13, 2010

The Weekly(ish) Update - Issue 0013

The Weekly(ish) Update
26th January 2010
Issue Thirteen

I’ve missed you New Zealand…

I finished my job today at the airport driving the staff around in circles, and I must admit that as much as I enjoyed meeting a few new people, spending a moment of each day with a variety of staff from air hostess’s to baggage handlers, I am not really going to miss to much about the place, and I am even more certain that most will not even notice I am no longer there.

It is one of those jobs that anyone with half a brain can do, and even though I tried to be professional, and polite, even when some of the staff were very rude, the fact remains that there is only so much a person can do when the people they are dealing with only ever really see the back of a head for a few minutes a day.

I never intended staying as long as I did, it became a necessity due to the hours I was given, or should I say lack of them, and as hard as it has been financially this year for me, I knew that eventually I would have to decide to leave for another job, or leave to do my own thing, regardless of my situation, because things there were never going to be any more than they were, which was not ideal financially, but being completely honest with you they never really have been for me, so it was time to do something different.

Starting my own business is something I have always wanted to do, I have had lots of ideas over the years for a range of money making schemes that would give me independence from needing to rely on someone else, control over my own destiny, and ultimately freedom to do what I want to do, but for a variety of reasons I have never actively pursued any one of those ideas, which I guess has somehow made me even more determined to make my first venture a success.

My life has led me to this point, I know where I have been and to a degree learnt who I am, I now must take the next step in my life and that step is going to lead me to more options than I have ever had before in my life (those of you who really know me will agree that I have had A LOT of options over the years, some good, some not so good), but my new options will continue to focus on achieving the plan I partially set for myself before I was no longer allowed to drive tour buses around New Zealand, a plan that I have not strayed too far away from regardless of how far away it has seemed at times, because ultimately one of the things I have learnt in my life to date is that achieving my goals is as important in my life as believing that my goals are worth having, in other words… my life is worth living.

I have spent so much time in Wellington trying to build a relationship with my adopted family that is sustainable after I leave here next week, most likely for the last time (as I can only see myself returning to visit briefly once I begin to start working on my own business) that other areas of my life I have not been maintained very well at all, and as much as want to say that ‘repairing’ those other areas of my life will soon become a reality, the truth is those other areas of my life are what they are, and the best thing that I can do is concentrate on doing what I need to do, because for so long I have always worried about things that mattered to other people, instead of focusing on what matters to me.

I think most of you know me well enough to know that there are two definite sides to my personality, one that I try to show people most of the time, the side that is cheeky, playful and happy, the one that wants other people to like me that is neither shy, or easily offended, the side that does things for other people to help them, to make their lives better, and then there is ‘the other one’, the one that I try to hide, the side of me that really does care, that hurts deeper inside than anything else because I am yet to discover a way to appropriately display how this feels to anyone else, because I believe no one who ever really sees me will ever really see me, and for so long it is that which I have hidden inside me that has stopped me from showing who I really am to everyone I meet.

I lost my bus driving job because I showed people glimpses of who I have been and they did not understand it, they did not know me well enough to know that to me those glimpses did not even scratch the surface and that I had dealt with ‘my dark passenger’ for longer than anyone I know has spent in regular contact with me, full stop, not once loosing control over my actions to the point where I felt I needed to get some sort of help, and a couple of you reading this know some of the things that I have been through in my life, which I guess is my way of saying that even though at times I have made some silly choices, said the wrong thing, or acted in a way that may have seemed unreasonable, I have never been a danger to anyone other than myself, and for people to think otherwise hurts, it hurts a lot, because I know how hard I have tried to not hurt anyone but me.

Being completely honest with all of you… I am so sick of having to act like there is nothing wrong, because people continuously treat me like there is something wrong with me, that I am different than they are, that because I have made the changes in my life that I have made, like no drinking etc. even though I didn’t think they effected me negatively) just to show that the things I were doing before did not effect who I was, that the things I did before were just things I did, and not who I was, because thankfully a couple of you have taught me that being myself does not require me to do anything other than be who I am, that regardless of choices I have made, silly things I have said or done, that I am who I am, that I do not have to change to be someone else, and it is with that knowledge I am moving forward in my life.

Before I start my business I am going to ride my bike around New Zealand, something that I am going to start to do in 5 days time, and one of the biggest challenges for me will be going to see all the people I never saw again after I stopped driving around New Zealand.

Even though I know that most of the people I will get to stop in and talk to have got on with their life and not given me a second thought, the right thing, and in some cases the hardest thing, will be going to see them one at a time and telling them what happened, telling them why I stopped coming in to see them, because what I have not told anyone since I finished driving is that when I was not allowed to keep driving, and subsequently unfairly dismissed, I lost contact with all of my friends.
The guys I use to work with, the other drivers and office staff no longer talk to me, the staff in the hostels and café’s no longer talk to me, the operators of all those great activities I took people to see no longer talk to me, and very few of my friends who were once passengers on the bus still talk to me, and because the way it happened, what was said about me both at the time, and in the letters written since, I certainly feel less and less comfortable about the whole thing because the only person effected is me.

I don’t blame anyone for what happened though, no one but myself, and I guess that is the hardest part, accepting complete responsibility for something that happened to me that if seen though my eyes would never have happened, and all I can do is get on with what I am doing, continue the plan that I made and that I will work towards regardless of the challenges that are thrown at me, because in the end that is all I can do, I cant change what has happened, all I can do is put myself into a realistic position so I can do everything I need to do to ensure it does not happen ever again.
I have not changed parts of my life because of other people, I have changed because of myself, because of what I want to do, and I know that some people will think that I am doing what I am doing to spite the fact I no longer drive tour buses, or because I want to start my own business and make money to help young people, but the simple fact is that I am about to get on a bike and ride around the coasts of first the South, and then the North Islands, because it is something that I want to do for myself, and regardless of any money raised or publicity received, the achievement made just in attempting it has rewards I expect to last well beyond the adventure itself, but what an adventure.

I don’t have any money, and I am unsure how far my bike will get as neither of us have ever attempted anything like this before, but I am going to give it a go, I am going to take one day at a time, not push myself too hard so that I enjoy it as much as possible, as I am on the road for three months, cycling between 60 – 90 kilometres every day without a day off, in the variety of weather conditions that so far this summer range from between barely average, to torrential rain with gale force winds, and I have no support crew, which basically means that I am in for one amazing, roller coaster of a journey.

I have tried to get sponsorship, ‘Charlies’ sent me some juice, and ‘Interislander’ offered free travel on the ferry between Wellington and Picton, no one else was interested, I started to collect donations at the suggestion of one of the staff, after selling Christmas cards at work, and when I picked up the donation box this morning I discovered someone had ripped it open and taken all the money that was in it, which included the money from the cards I had made.

I have sent heaps of letters to T.V, radio, and newspapers, with one reply, so before I go I will have another go, but the short version is I am doing this on my own, and it is going to be what I make of it, and as unlucky as I appear to be I think as long as I stay focused on what I need to do, try to make it as enjoyable as possible by not pushing myself too hard, take time out to take photos, meet locals, and share the experience, I will hopefully gather some momentum and a few more people will support what I am doing, but I am preparing myself for the possibility of doing the whole trip unsupported.

One of the charities I support asked me today to remove their logo from the trailer, and my website, because I do not meet their requirements for a supporter (which I think means because I am not guaranteeing that I will be able to give them cash they do not want me benefitting from the use of their brand, which is a shame as they were one of my favourite charities.

There is a lot more still to do before I leave at the end of the week for Picton, but I am getting through it all slowly, and regardless of what happens, on Sunday afternoon I will be on that boat ready to start to ride my bike ride on Monday morning, for the first of ninety one epic stages of ‘Cycle for Life’ that will take me all around this beautiful country I call home…

…I’ve missed you New Zealand.

.K

PS. …if you want to check up on me I will be putting regular updates on my Twitter page every day because I can send messages to it from my mobile phone almost every where I go, and will also update my Blog page when ever I get access to the internet.

If you want to send me messages you can do so via txt to my mobile phone, and if you, or someone you know, are going to be in one of the places I go to on the day I go there and want to offer a friendly face to talk to, a decent meal, or comfortable bed for the night, please contact me using any of the details on my website, which also has detailed route information for the entire journey…

http://www.customvision.co.nz

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