The Weekly(ish) Update - Issue 0030

Chasing your dreams will always lead you home...

Over the years I have moved around a lot. And i do mean A LOT.

When I was born I was moved from one mother to another. As a teenager I was always moving around, up to mischief in some form or another, eventually moving away from where I called home. After I met my birth mother, and then my birth father, separately, I moved to Australia. I had everything stolen within 24 hours and continued to move around until I got a job in Melbourne. That job allowed me to keep moving until I ended up back in New Zealand, over ten years later. I spent some time moving around New Zealand sharing time with different members of my family, before i got a job moving around New Zealand. I settled down for awhile in Hamilton after riding a bike around New Zealand, then rode a bike around New Zealand again after going back to the job where i moved around New Zealand. I then moved to Queenstown, where i moved jobs a quite a few times, before finding a job I loved, and deciding I now want to walk the entire length of New Zealand. Once I complete my next adventure, something I begin in a few weeks time, I think I will move from Queenstown, maybe to Te Anau, maybe somewhere else.

When I was younger I think I ran away from everything that was happening around me, I never faced my reality head on, I escaped as often as possible, until the reality I saw others living was something I would dream about achieving. I don't think I ever really accepted my life as being my own until recently, and I think as a result I have kept pushing people away to prevent me from facing the reality I had escaped from, when i was younger.

I use to tell people a story about someone I knew who through my eyes had the perfect life, yet through their eyes, it was my life that was perfect. They had a good job, with a great income, a wife and family, a huge house, cars, toys, holidays, and yet my friend envied my freedom, my lack of ties and responsibility, they loved the idea that I could do what ever I wanted, whenever I want to do it, and it was whilst telling someone this story, that I realised I am who I want to be.

I use to think that I was looking for someone, but I now think I am that someone who I was looking for, and instead of trying to find someone outside of where I should be looking, I should focus on being who I wanted to find. I should focus on being who I want to be.

Sure it would be nice to share my adventure. To have someone to hug, and to hold, someone who is there with me through good and bad, but recently I have realised most importantly, all I need to do is try to be the person I want to be. All I have to do is try to be me.

...chasing your dreams will always lead you home.

Till soon... Stay safe... Be YOU!!!

.K

The Weekly(ish) Update - Issue 0029

Please love yourself like someone else you love...

Generally speaking, I have always treated others a lot better than I have ever treated myself. Sure I sometimes treat people how they deserve to be treated. I actually have a habit of saying what I am thinking as I am thinking about it, without thinking about it.  I often tell people what they deserve to hear without thought, and rarely do I regret doing so, but mostly I treat myself worse than how I treat other people. Regardless of how bad other people think I am treating them, I treat myself less kind than I am to others. Almost always.

I am a hard person to explain, but I am trying to be as honest as I can be, and so thoughts are being posted here as I sort them out for you to read... so much has happened and yet so little has changed... yet here I am again trying to define a moment within the context of my life, simply so I can paint a more complete picture of who I really am for you. I really do want you to see all of me. Life has led me to this place, and I want to share not only how I got here, but what led me here, and then perhaps one day I can show everyone not only who I am, but where I came from. Yes, my life is a series of adventures, but I believe the complete story will ultimately serve a purpose, to one day to help someone who shares a similar path, see a light at the end of a tunnel I have struggled to find.

When I was younger many of my thoughts flowed onto paper... I loved to write and draw and I spent hours lost within the context of time... complicated images defined thoughts... simple words defined moments... and eventually I guess a picture formed. I now want to share with you an unfinished story/poem here, so you can maybe understand me just a little bit better. I think this how I can truly define a big part of who I really am.

I now want to share these words with you...

THE PRINCESS AND THE DREAMER

 

I now give all I have to you, these words...

 

THY ARE A PERSON NO ONE

HAS EVER TRUELY MET

SO HAVE A SOUL NO BODY

HAS GOT TO REALLY KNOW

WE WALK THIS ROAD TOGETHER

EXCEPT FOREVER STAND ALONE

SOMEHOW WE ARE NOW AS ONE

AND WHAT ARE WE TO BECOME

BUT A MEMORY

 

 

The mind is something that no one can ever read...

TWO CHILDREN AT PLAY, ON A BEACHES SANDY SHORE.
FEELING HAPPINESS WITHIN, LIKE NEVER BEFORE.

UNDER THE COMFORT OF THE STARS, ON A WARM SUMMERS EVE.
A MAGIC BETWEEN US, NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE.

AN OCEAN OF DREAMS, WE ALL TRY NOW TO WIND.
A GAME TO WHICH WE HAVE, TRIPPED THROUGH TIME.

TO SEE LIFE LIKE WE HAVE, DREAMED TOGETHER.
IN THE MAZE WE PLAY, WITH ILLUSION FOREVER.

TAKING YOUR HAND WE TRAVEL, TO OUR HEAVEN ABOVE.
IN EACH OTHERS ARMS WE FLY, ON WINGS OF THE DOVE.

WHENEVER I THINK OF YOU, I HAVE TO UNDERSTAND WHY.
BEING HERE CREATES CONFUSION, WHICH ALWAYS TURNS ME SHY.

TO JOURNEY TOWARDS A MIRROR, I AM TAKEN IN BY YOUR TIDE.
THIS SHADOW I WILL HOLD ON TO, FOREVER BY MY SIDE.
 

WANTING TO OPEN THESE EYES, AND FIND U STILL THERE.

SEEING FROM INSIDE I KNOW, THAT SOMEONE DOES CARE.
 

A KISS FROM THE PRINCESS, CAN OPEN UP EVERY DREAM.

BUT PLEASE REMEMBER ALWAYS, THAT SO MUCH IS UNSEEN.
 

THIS LINK FROM THE HEART, WILL NOW AND FOREVER SHOW.

THAT THERE ARE TWO OF US, WHICH WILL CONTINUE TO GROW.
 

WE CAN NEVER NOW START, AND BEGIN TO PRETEND.

THAT FOR US THE BEGINNING, WILL LEAD US TO AN END.
 

THESE MOMENTS NOT KNOWING, WHAT IS TO UNFOLD.

AT THIS TIME I JUST WISH, THAT YOU I MAY ONE DAY HOLD.
 

"THE BEAUTIFUL ONE" WILL PAINT A PERFECT PICTURE.

SHE WILL BRING TO LIFE A VISION FOREVER HELD IN MY MIND.
 

U DO PAINT A PERFECT PICTURE, ALWAYS. EVERY TIME.
TO ME U SHALL ALWAYS BE, THE BEAUTIFUL ONE".
 

IF I CARE ABOUT SOMEONE... I MUST B ABLE TO LET THEM GROW.

IF I LOVE SOMEONE... I MUST BE ABLE TO LET THEM GO.

I ALONE STAND IN MY MIND, AS AGAIN I FALL INTO A DREAM.
IS IT FROM WITHIN THE LYRICS, THAT A MEMORY IS NOW SEEN.

TO BE TAKEN BACK TO THE TIME, IT IS YOUR BEAUTY I ADMIRE.
THEN BEGINNING TO TRUELY FEEL, THIS HEART AGAIN BURN WITH FIRE.

NEVER WILL I FORGET THIS PLACE, A WOUND GIVEN ONLY TO YOU.
THIS PIECE OF A SOUL, ALL THAT IS NOW TRUE.

WE ARE TWO PEOPLE TOGETHER, BUT HAVE LIVED ALWAYS ALONE.
HARDLY TO SPEAK OR EVEN SHARE, FROM OUR HAUNTED HOME.

IN THE HEART WE NOW WISH, TO REACH OUT AND TOUCH.
FROM THE MIND OUR TRUE WORD, WE TRY NOW TO CLUTCH.

WITHHELD FROM AN EVEN MEETING, TO JUST GET TO KNOW.
THESE FEELINGS ARE WE FOREVER, UNABLE TO REALLY SHOW.

FOR WE MAY ACCEPT WE HAVE, A LITTLE CHANCE TO MEET.
AND GET GET UP TO LEAVE, WITHOUT MAKING A RETREAT.

NEVER GONE SO REMEMBER THAT, WHICH WE JUST HAD AGAIN.
IN MY SOUL YOUR SWEET MAGIC, WILL NOW ALWAYS REMAIN.

I REALISE NOW I CAN CREATE, EVERY WORLD THAT I DREAM.
FOR ME TO COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND, I WAKE UP WITHIN A SCREAM.

A RAGE INSIDE THIS INSANITY, A PASSION THAT REIGNS SO TRUE.
NOW I COMPREHEND THIS IS THAT, AND I CAN BREAK ON THROUGH.

NO LONGER AM I UNCONSCIOUS, BUT STANDING AT A DOOR.
I WANT IT TO OPEN, LIKE NOTHING I HAVE FELT BEFORE.

I LEAVE MY HAVEN, AND START NOW TO AGAIN ROAM.
FROM AN INNOCENCE, IN SEARCH OF MY HOME.

TO BE IN A ROOM WITH MY DREAMS, IS TRUELY A SQUEEZE.
I HAVE NOW BUILT A CASTLE, TO ACCOMMODATE AND PLEASE.

NO WORDS CAN DESCRIBE THAT, WHICH I NOW WISH TO SAY.
IT MAY NEVER BE SAID EVER, THOUGHTS I DREAM TODAY.

GOING NOW BEHIND MY EYES, TO THAT CHILD LOST IN TIME.
ALONE AND WITH THE STAIRWAY, I MUST CONTINUE TO CLIMB.

BEFORE THE END I WILL BEGIN, TO LEARN AGAIN HOW TO WALK.
BUT SOMETIMES TO YOU, I JUST WISH THAT I COULD TALK.

YOU I LOOK FOR MY PRINCESS, TO BE ALWAYS A FRIEND.
A LONELINESS I HAVE CARRIED, AND MAY TAKE UP TO THE END.

ARE MY DREAMS AN ILLUSION, HUNTING FOR WHAT IS NOT EVER SEEN.

YEARS OF FANTASY AND CONFUSION, FROM WHICH TEARS SHOULD HAVE BEEN.
 

I HAVE STOOD A TOP THE MOUNTAIN, AND FELL TO DROWN IN THE DEEP BLUE SEA.

WALKING NOW MORE CAREFULLY, TOWARDS MY DREAM WHICH SHOULD BE FREE.

ARE WE TO CONTINUE SEARCHING A TIMEZONE, AS WE CRAVE OUR ONE TO HOLD.
STRANDED IN A BARON WASTELAND, IS THAT WHICH IS NOT SEEN TO UNFOLD.

WE MAY LOOK AT BEAUTY IN LIFE, THEN IMAGINE WHAT THIS COULD BE.
FOR US TO REALISE WE NOW ARE, AN ADVENTURE NO ONE MAY GET TO SEE.

FOR WE MAY ABANDON ALL AMBITION, TO KEEP REAL A BALANCE IN OUR MIND.
AN ABSTRACT VISION IS ABLAZE, FROM WHICH WE SEARCH NOW TO TRY AND FIND.

YOUR DESTINY OUT OF A NIGHTMARE, THAT WE SHALL GIVE UP OUR SOUL TO SEE.
WE ALL HAVE DREAMS WE CLING ON TO, SO AGAIN WONDER WHAT IS TO NOW BE.

FOR MY HEART YOU WILL FIIND ALWAYS, IF YOU ARE THIS PRINCESS IN MY HAZE.
YOU CAN BE TOLD THIS STORY AS IT HAS BEGUN, FROM DEEP WITHIN A MAZE.

REACHING FROM HERE TO ETERNITY, IN THIS MAZE ARE YOU TO STAY WITH ME.
WITHIN THESE EYES OF DARKNESS, A VISION OF LIGHT I CAN SEE.

ON MY KNEES I ASK FOR YOU HAND, IN MY MIND IT IS THERE TO HOLD.
YOU ALONE I TRUST TO HELP THEE, THROUGH WHAT INEVITABLY MAY UNFOLD.

REACHING OUT I SEEK YOUR TOUCH, LIFE IN MY PALM HELD UP FOR YOU.
MY PRINCESS HAS THE ANSWER, FOR THERE IS ONLY ONE THAT CAN BE TRUE.

HAVING WANTED TO NOW HOLD YOU, TRUELY FOR WHAT SEEMS SO LONG.
REALISING THAT LOVE IS INSIDE, WE FORGOT OURSELVES WHICH IS WRONG.

JEALOUS OF PEACE IN OTHERS EYES, WE NEED TO BE GOOD TO THEE.
TO UNDERSTAND THERE IS A TIME SET, THAT WILL BE FOUND TO SET US FREE.

TOGETHER APART WE MUST CONTINUE, REMINDED HAPPINESS WE WILL FIND.
WITHIN OURSELVES WE MAY LIVE ALWAYS, SO TO THIS SHOULD BE FOREVER KIND.

WE HAVE NEEDED SO LONG TO SEE NOW, TRUELY THROUGH SOMEONE ELSES EYE.
IT CAN NOT BE WRONG TO HAVE HELD, THIS DREAM TILL WE MAY DIE.

WE SHALL LIVE AND LEARN TODAY, SO WHEN IT IS TOMORROW WE SMILE.
IS IT TO BE FROM WITHIN THIS PLACE, WE MUST CONTINUE TO BE FOR AWHILE.

TO LOSE ALL THAT WAS AROUND US, AND SEE WHICH IS FOREVER WITHIN.
THIS IS NOW WHERE A STORY, SHOULD REALLY AND TRULY BEGIN.

...please love yourself like someone else you love.

Till soon... stay safe... be you.

.K



The Weekly(ish) Update - Issue 0028

Love and sex are very different…

Many years ago I was lucky enough to have the most beautiful girl in the world a part of my life. We were kids. Teenagers. I think i was maybe 17 or 18 when we met, maybe a little bit younger, and she was a little bit younger than me. I was introduced to her by a neighbour, a kind of weird girl everyone talked about but no one wanted to know. She lived on the other side of the hedge, at the back of the property, where I was living.

I remember one day looking through the fence and she just started talking to me, and the next thing was she suggested she knew someone she thought i would like, and a few days later introduced me to her friend, basically telling us that we would make a great couple, and that was how it all began. I didn’t really figure out that i loved her until after we were no longer together, many years later. We went through hell and back together.

Growing up in the 1970s and early 1980s was different. We had 9 planets (apparently Pluto was declassified in 2006), 5 subjects at school (english, maths, social studies, science, and art), and the teachers were allowed to punish kids with a variety of weapons, including the strap (a thick leather belt with a handle at one end to hold onto - though it wasn’t uncommon for the teacher to swing it so hard it still managed to leave his hand when he hit you)… and the cane (which was a longish length of bamboo that the teacher would often break on either (or both) of your hands, and/or arse. Life was different then. 

I was surrounded by a culture of drugs and alcohol growing up. It was normal back then to go to the pub, get drunk and drive home. It wasn’t until 1984 when breath testing actually began, and 1988 when people were issued on-the-spot summonses for evidential breath tests, and 1993 that compulsory breath testing of all drivers passing a mobile check point actually began in New Zealand. As far as alcohol was concerned I grew up in the wild west.

I officially started working when I was 14. Unofficially a bit earlier. It wasn’t that unusual. I had completed a 4 year apprenticeship before most people left school. The really funny part is back then the legal driving age was 15, but if you were working before you were 15 your boss could give you a note that you took to the local Ministry of Transport office, and on your 14th birthday you were legally able to get your full drivers licence that was valid for 65 years. I got my truck and trailer licence (and all the other licences under that) because i was already working, and i needed it, when i was 14 years old.

As a result of starting work quite early in life, i was introduced to the culture surrounding a working mans life at an early age. Alcohol was a huge part of that, but so were drugs. I guess it was the choice not to say no that led me down many paths few have travelled. It is because of my association with drugs, and to a lesser degree alcohol, that all of my relationships have never been as real as perhaps they could have been. With that said it is also possible they were more real than they ever could have been without them. Despite everything i have been through, the choices i have made, and the result of everyone of those choices, i am now old enough to accept those choices as being my own. I do not regret who i have become, or spend too much time dwelling on who i might have been if i had made different choices growing up, it seems ridicules to even say it, because I am who I am. I cant change the past. I can just try and make the future a little bit better.

Every time i think about her (points to top of page) i have to remind myself that she is happier without me. I cant change what we did, and what happened as a result. I can just smile within the knowledge that someone i discovered i really did care about is happier where she is now, because she has everything i wanted to give her and couldn’t. Her life is now better because i am not a part of it, and that is just my reality.

Life has a really dumb way of reminding me that anyone i want to care about, is better off when I am not a part of their life, no matter how much i want to share everything i am with that one special someone. If i really do care about someone i have to let them go.

…Love and sex are very different.

Till soon... Stay safe... Be You.

.K

The Weekly(ish) Update - Issue 0027

One month to go...

One month from today I will begin to walk the entire length of New Zealand, and I don't even like walking. So why am I doing it?

I think the first reason is because I think I can. That is important to remember. I think I can do this, which is why this is the main reason I am going to try and do it. I do not care if other people think I can do it. I think that I can do it, so I am going to at least try and so what I think I can do. Im crazy. Not stupid.

The next reason is I think it will be good for me. I think it will be good for me physically (humans need to move occasionally or technically we are dead), but more importantly mentally.

My life has been a series of challenges, and as a result of me navigating my way through those challenges, often by stumbling towards the direction I can only now look back and see, I look back and realise I am a more complete me as a result. I am also a me that is more capable as a result of enduring those challenges. There is a saying that I like which goes something like "the struggle you're in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow" and that is especially true in my life because i now look for my next challenge. This is simply that next challenge.

Challenges can be distracting too. When I arrived in Queenstown my plan was to set up Custom Vision Photography by going to the local market, it was whilst at that market I realised I needed to take a step back so I could take another step forward. I realised I needed a home and so I have spent the last two years creating what will be my home. I bought an old caravan and have converted that into something that soon I will not only be happy to live in, but something I can travel around New Zealand in to do what I want to do, which is to help others sharing the world I see through the lens of a camera, using my words to define the images i create.

It was whilst building my home that I realised I do not want to buy a house and live happily ever after in one place, doing the same thing, like most people, because I realised i am not. It was whilst building my home that i realised i one day might like a little bit of land somewhere with a view, somewhere with a little garden and maybe an outdoor bathtub heated by a fire, and a shed with a cool car in it. Somewhere that is mine, somewhere that when i want to be somewhere i can be, but I also realised I want to be able to move around and take my home with me, so I can share what i want to do with as many people as possible.

It was whilst building my home that i realised how much i loved sharing Aotearoa through my eyes, and that those who i were sharing it with then became a part of the story. It was whilst trying to do everything i could to make tomorrow better, not only for myself, but those around me, that i realised not everyone around me was as interested in helping the world around them as i was, because unfortunately many people around me are only interested in helping their own interests financially, and unfortunately i became a lil lost in a battle that was not mine to fight.

I will explain in more detail another day what actually happened, as it would not be fair to try and do so now accurately as this part of my story is still being written so to speak, but looking back now i see i needed to distract myself from what was happening so much that when I saw an old man trying to do what I am about to do on the front of a newspaper, and i got that same feeling i got when i saw that lady on tv run 60kms to celebrate her 60th birthday, i knew pretty much straight away that walking the length of New Zealand was my next step towards where i want to be, that this was my next challenge. 

My final reason I think is the greatest reason of them all. I know from experience that by doing this, no matter what happens to me, I will inspire someone else to do something good, and as a result something good will happen, regardless of anything else that is a pretty good reason to do something.

...one month to go.

Till soon. Stay safe. Be you.

.K

The Weekly(ish) Update - Issue 0026

Tick tock... tick tock...

I have been single for a VERY long time... and interestingly it is not because I don't know woman who I am attracted to. Quite the opposite in-fact. I know too many attractive woman. I actually think I lucky enough to know some of the most beautiful woman on the planet and simply do not know how to choose just one. 

I for now call home somewhere that woman from all over the world go to on holiday. I work somewhere that extremely attractive woman like to work, and also pay to play. I am surrounded by beautiful woman, and sometimes I think my life is like being in the worlds biggest 'Candy Store', that I am standing at the foot of a huge glass display case trying to decide what i want to spend all my pocket money on.

People enter and leave the store in a blur around me... I can almost see myself… child-like... standing there wide eyed... almost drooling... trying to decide which candy i want... but i never can decide... for me the choosing part is very difficult...

Sometimes when I can’t decide quickly... someone else will walk into the Candy Store... know exactly what they want... get it... and walk out... and I am left wondering why i didn’t pick that one… why my choice is not so easy for me... 

Sometimes when i decide... the person at the front of the que takes the candy i want before i actually get to it... forcing me to choose another because someone else was there first... and reluctantly i look again. Each time I miss out on what i think i want... the next choice i make becomes even harder... maybe it is because i think there are less to choose from... but mostly it is because i want to make the right choice. I want the best candy i can get... otherwise what is the point??

One minute my head is twisted left... the next right. I try to make another decision before someone else walks in, and in my new found haste i realise i have missed something, just out of sight, and all too quickly that is gone as well. Lost forever. Leaving me unseen amidst the blur of people who walk in, get what they want, and walk out again satisfied with their purchase.

I have never considered trying them all, but I have in all honestly probably tried more candy than i wanted to. Sometimes whilst trying to decide i am distracted, a new candy will be put on display and whilst looking at that, another will disappear from the shelf, so far i have not managed to find, admire, purchase, and enjoy one of these sweet treats that i think i could have had if my life was different. Sometimes I hate being in the Candy Store so much i leave. Isolating myself from the world around me.

Its a terrible metaphor. I do know that women are not as simple as a coloured lump of sugar, decorated beyond recognition, but typically as i think, i type, and as i type, these words have appeared. Its not the first time i have referenced being child like in a situation. I often feel lost amidst the backdrop of the life i am roaming through, trying to find my place in this world, surrounded by beautiful strangers… 

…tick tock. tick tock.

Till soon. Be safe. Stay you.

.K

The Weekly(ish) Update - Issue 0025

Not all angels have wings...

It has been awhile since i have wanted to write anything. Years have past since i last felt like i had anything i wanted to share.

 My life has led me to Queenstown, in the South Island of New Zealand, and i have made some resemblance of a life for myself here after i drove buses around New Zealand again for a little while, got fired a couple of times, and decided i wanted to consentrate more on Custom Vision and i wanted to do that by going to the local art and craft market in Queenstown, whilst i drove buses in and out of a fairly well known place called 'Milford Sound'.

I lived in the back of a van for the first year or so, going to the market with a cart i built in Hamilton to display stuff i made, and working every other day, i quickly realized i needed a home... and being a resort, Queenstown was unlikely to become home, so i bought a caravan and have spent the last couple of years renovating it.

my job changed from driving large group of people in and out of Milford Sound, to driving smaller groups of rafters in and out of skippers canyon, and eventually driving the bungy bus, where i shuttle groups from town out to the two A J Hackett bungy sites three or four times a day, whilst i continued to meander towards my goal of completing my home, and doing more to set up Custom Vision Photography.

 I say meander because that is ultimately how i feel, life has found a way to distract me, over and over again, and yet here we are again, with me wanting to do than what i am doing... so i am doing something about it. On the 18th of November i will start to walk the length of New Zealand, something i am calling #nzwalk4life.

i have worked out it will take me 6 months to complete and is without question my biggest adventure to date... and why am i doing it??? mostly just because i think i can... but i also think it will lead me to where i am meant to be after i again feel i have become a little lost within the world around me, instead of being the light or beacon that i know i can be who shows other people what really matters.

There are billions of people on this planet, and apart from a few arseholes i genuinely think most of us are good. The way technology has linked many of us together we are now more aware of not only the world around us individually, but the individual worlds in which other people live.

Bookface and Instagram link millions. Our phones capture, and share, almost instantly, what we see in our homes, in public, and everywhere else we go, at any hour of the day, every day of the week, and yet here i am seemingly isolated by the world i have created. So, I want to take another step towards being the best 'me' i can be.

The path i have travelled has led me to this point, my life has bought me here and its now up to me to continue to add to my story. This is the next chapter, a chapter whereby i will achieve something few would even consider. In November 2018 i will begin to walk the length of New Zealand... and in May 2019 i will complete it. A journey that will take 6 months and cover 3000kms.

I will continue to seek my happy place, to find somewhere i call home.

I have for the most part enjoyed Queenstown, but it is not home, everyone I meet leaves, and so now is the time for me to move on. I know this because i am continously reminded jut how precious life really is. That we all need to make the most of everyday, right up until our last breath, and even though i have done some incredible things, met some beautiful people, and survived this life thus far, I really do want to do even more.

I sometimes get lost within my own thoughts, but i always have. I sometimes get distracted by the world around me, but dont we all. I always feel like i can do more, and so i will do more than i have ever done before, so i can inspire someone to be who they really are, to do more than i can do, because...

 ...not all angels have wings.

Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!

.K