Saturday, October 27, 2012

The Weekly(ish) Update - Issue 0024

The Weekly(ish) Update
15th October 2012
Issue Twenty Four

Like a child I have crawled.. walked.. ran.. and fallen.. but I will get back up to carry on as planned..

I often wonder if everyone else has a life like mine.

If most people wake up each morning and don’t really feel anything about anyone or anything. I don’t dream. I close my eyes at night and wake up the next morning. I stand under the shower slightly longer than necessary to wake up enough to remember something forgotten, find a towel, put on some clothes and look in the fridge knowing there is nothing in there, before walking out the door to go to work so I can earn enough money to pay a few bills at the end of each week.

 A lot has happened over the past twelve months. Some great. Some not so great. And like most people I have learnt that my life is just that, my life. But I have also learnt that I am not happy just living a life. I want more. I want to be able to do more and to give more and no matter how much I try and distract or forget that part of me, I know that it is that part of me is the defining part of who I really am.

 Some of you may have noticed that Issue Twenty Three is missing, only four of you received it as its content was about someone else, someone I had met who I fell in love with only to discover that she was not who she said she was.

 I was too embarrassed to tell anyone I had shared so much of who I was with someone and became lost not knowing what to do when I discovered that she was using hard drugs heavily and lying to every one around her, including me, and even though it was my determination to do what was right for her, I too became lost within the situation that ultimately I had created. I became very depressed. I isolated myself from everyone and started doing things again that I guess I chose to do because it was my default way of dealing with things. How I had always dealt with things. And I don’t blame anyone else for loosing my way again and getting caught up in myself all over again.

The past six months have been hard, very hard, mostly as I do not have any constant friends or any support where I am. I do not have anyone I can talk to so I have to work through ideas and thoughts on my own. I haven’t given up though. And that is why you are now reading these words.

After everything happened and I did all that I could do things settled down a little, I came up with a plan, an idea to move forward and do the things I wanted to do. It was a simple idea. A café/gallery that allowed me to continue what I had started with my photography. But after asking my birth father a couple of times if I could use some unused space in his building and not getting an answer, I abandoned the idea of doing that here and decided that I would like to ride around New Zealand again. Since I have been here I have bought a few things to make my flat nice (Television, Stereo, Couch etc.) and I have decided that I have to sell these and use that money to pay for Cycle 4 Life 2. That when I am doing my next bike ride I will discover like I did the first time what I am going to do next, because I am now sure that I am not doing what I want to do here.

For the last year and a half I have been living in a flat above a pub trying to make a home for myself, and not once has anyone knocked on the door to see how I am. I have tried to help my birth father, and yet some what strangely only recently discovered no one here is helping me. For the last year and a half I have been made fun of by people I work with because I actually care about the things that I do, yet I have stayed there because that was my life and I learnt to accept that was how things are, dealing with moments when they arose rather than the situation itself. For the last year, I have been going to the Frankton market. I started with a table and chair, and eventually built my Photography Cart.

It was never about making money.

It was so I could continue to grow and do more than what I was doing before I got on my pushbike in Picton on the 1st of February 2010 and so that too eventually reached a point where it needed to grow and do more than what it was doing.

I have recently even thought about giving this away to someone who can do more than me, maybe to a local school or something, I will figure something out.

Now I am ready to get back up, dust myself off and do more than I have ever done before and if anyone wants to help they are welcome, but even if you don’t that is okay.

Live your life and I will live mine.

Like a child I have crawled.. walked.. ran.. and fallen.. but I will get back up to carry on as planned.. 

Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!! .K

Walk 4 Life - North Island

I don't think most stories are meant to start in the middle, but unlike most stories, this is my story. Actually, this is only part of ...