The Weekly(ish) Update - Issue 0016

The Weekly(ish) Update
17th June 2010
Issue Sixteen

It is still not too late to use the gifts that I have been given..

When I was younger I loved to draw incredibly detailed pictures, pictures that at the time resembled art that was simular in form to what a tattooist would use as a stencil to create their work, linking a series of complicated ideas together artistically so when you looked at a finished piece the level of detail grew, and more was discovered within the image, the longer it was looked at.

I would spend months perfecting the look of a single picture, making sure that even though the entire image consisted of a variety of smaller images linked together, that the overall look of all the separate pieces together was as pleasing to the eye as the lines and shapes within. Everything had to be just right before I was happy with it, the amount of work involved was incredible, often changing the original idea many times, moving further and further away from what was planned, before a final draft was completed.

I enjoyed the overall experience of having an idea of getting a blank piece of paper and creating something that was unique, something that defined for that moment how I felt, what I saw and who I was. I enjoyed the release of energy the overall experience gave me, and the challenge of trying to make each picture the best it could be.
I was very good at what I did, and even without any formal training, I knew that what I was doing was as good, or even better, as what anyone else could do if they tried to do a simular style drawing, because I was passionate about what I was doing, it was something I was ultimately incredibly proud of.

There were times I remember that I would draw on myself, completely covering my hand, arm, or leg in some unusual creation, or other times completely cover a pair of jeans in extremely detailed works of art. On one pair of jeans I remember I had a dragon smoking a pipe which curled up and around one leg, and from out of the smoke of the pipe a series of geckos and angels escaped across the rest of the material, completely covering every centimetre with a variety of different colours.

I would spend months working on a single ‘piece’, getting lost within its construction, rarely showing anyone else the work that I was doing until it was completed. They were me capturing moments, thoughts, or feelings, and my way of expressing the things that my imagination came up with that I could otherwise never define. They were also a way to relax, as I enjoyed creating them. Each was a part of me, some obvious, some not so obvious, and it is a shame that I no longer have any of the pictures I drew because I think it would be very interesting to see what I created again.

Something I keep forgetting to tell people about me is I am completely deaf in my left ear, and the hearing in my right ear has suffered because of this to the point where today if I am somewhere there is any noise, like even just a T.V, or other people talking, I can barely make out a conversation I am having with someone standing in front of me.

A situation that often has me misunderstanding words used, peoples intentions, and generally isolates me from many facets of what most would consider a normal life. I have to sit in a certain place in a room to actually hear people, intentionally stand in a certain place to talk to some one I want to talk to, or other times I am a lot louder in situations than most other people would normally be, and unintentionally ignore people I can not hear.

Something even fewer people know about me is ever since I can remember I have suffered from severe depression, which at times was something that isolated me completely in a variety of situations, at any time it chose to, but not something I shared with anyone. I think this is probably the first time I have openly admitted that depression is something I have suffered from and dealt with on my own, for what seems like all of my life, and it is only now that I share it because I find myself in the unique position of wanting to be completely honest about who I am, without thought of what other people may judge me as.

I sometimes think I need to harden up, to not care what anyone else thinks, other times I think I need to be nicer to people, to care more about what other people think. I have often tried to be someone I am not, to be who other people wanted me to be because I have never had the confidence to be any more than who I am, because in my mind I need to make up for not being nice to people, and when I don’t know how to do that, I do what other people want me to do.

I know I have not yet done enough with my life and want to do more. I know that the things I am doing with my life now are the things I want to be doing, the things that are important to me, and that sticking to my plan will allow me to do even more. I know there are people close to me who want more from me, who to me it seems to me that I am not yet good enough, or able to do enough for, and understand that this is how it may always be, that I can only do what it is that I can do, and that I need help to do more. That people do not realise fully my situation, how many times I have had to start my life over and over again, how much of me I no longer have with me, as I continue to search for somewhere I want to be, because for most people life has found them.

It is only people who open their eyes who can see that I have lived more in my life than most, that I have seen, been, and done things that most people will never experience simply because life would never lead them down the same path that I have travelled, that I am someone they can be proud of if they let me, that I have my own problems, goals, and hobbies which may not be the same as theirs, and in an ideal world not only the people who really care about other people would see that we all walk different paths, aiming for the same place, but everyone would understand each other for who they really are.

It is easy for me to become lost within my own headspace, and be distracted by the things that are a part of who I am. What is hard for me is to consistently concentrate on the things I know I need to do, to do things that I need to do for others to consistently see me as who I really am, because as much as I believe it is possible for me to be who I want to be, it is this that I have always struggled with in one way or another.

Setting up my own business is going to be creatively something I enjoy massively, but the management side of things will be a lot harder because it will require consistency, and that is something I have struggled with often throughout my life, but here I am and it will be from here I move forward simply because it is what I want to do…

…it is still not too late to use the gifts that I have been given.

Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!

.K