Monday, February 28, 2011

The Weekly(ish) Update - Issue 0021

The Weekly(ish) Update

26th February 2011 - Issue Twenty One

The only thing I am afraid of is not being who I really am..

If I was to be completely honest I’d admit I am a little nervous about what I about to do. I am actually more nervous now than I was before I started my bike ride, and possibly any other time in my entire life.

First I have some explaining to do. It has been awhile since my last update was sent, and I apoligise for not keeping in contact with everyone. I guess if you are reading this now then you have probably just been sent the last three updates all at once. Why? Well lets just say that after I arrived in Hamilton I quickly became isolated from everything I planned doing living on my own, and it has taken me awhile to get use to the fact that I am again on my own, and I to various degrees isolated myself even further because I was afraid to admit I am unsure about what I am going to do.

I officially started Custom Vision Photography on the 11.02.2011 simply because I liked that it was one of those dates where it looks like there is a mirror in the middle of it, a bit like when I started Cycle for Life (01.02.2010) and have set myself up at the moment in a garage at the back of my birth fathers pub in Hamilton. I have quit my job and am trying to do this full time not yet having sold a single photo, and with only one hundred dollars left in the bank.

I have this past week updated my website, and created the first framed photos ready for sale should anyone wish to buy something I have created, and I am as ready as I will ever be to do this praying that this is the right choice for me moving forward.

Yes, I did go to church, but just once, and being completely honest I was a little uncomfortable with the modern twist put on by the group I visited that day, so never went back, something that nags my mind every Sunday morning if I am awake before 10am because I kind of feel I gave up too quickly, that I never kept promises made and this is something that does not sit too well with me after everything I have been through, because regardless of what anyone else thinks I still believe what I believe, and finding the confidence to do what I need to do in my life will never be fulfilled completely until I find a way to renew my faith, and this means going back to church regularly.

I have stopped looking for someone else to share my life with and am concentrating on maintaining the relationships I have, I haven’t given up, I’ve just stopped looking.

I worked out the other day it has been over ten years since my last relationship, its so long in fact that I have actually forgotten what it is like to be with someone, but at least no one complains when I leave the toilet seat up or grind my teeth in my sleep, and as much as I try arguing with myself it usually ends when I get distracted by something else, instead of someone else. But of course I miss the feeling of being cared about by someone, because I am not always my own best friend, and it is very hard to always be encouraging to yourself, especially when you have doubts.

Somewhere out there is a beautiful young woman perfect for me.. but for now my focus must be on what I need to do, and that is to get my business to a point where I actually sell something, then from there to a point where I can do that regularly, and thus can do what I want to do, which is to ultimately raise awareness for children’s charities all over New Zealand on a level I am no where near achieving at the moment.

Today was the first day I tried to sell some photos and not one person I spoke to was interested in actually buying anything. A few people offered opinions on what they thought I should do, and some of the advice I received was actually very good. If I was in a better financial position to follow some of the advice given I would do what was suggested and be well on the road to success, but the fact is I’m not so here I am.. nervous.

But the weird thing is I haven’t given up, if anything I am more determined than ever to succeed, I just don’t know how I am going to do this. I do know that I am trying harder than ever to figure it out though.

There is a small part of me I guess that thought I would just be able to make some effort and that effort would be rewarded with results, immediate results that would allow me to grow what I had begun instantly and the simple fact is that is not realistic. I need to make a consistent effort. To keep trying and slowly build on what I have begun.

When I started my bike ride I had no idea what I was doing, absolutely none. It was a huge adventure that started because of an idea I had, but from that idea my adventure grew into what we all now know as the single greatest achievement of my life so far. I learnt as I went, never gave up, and in the end completed my goal as planned. My photography business is no different.

I need to not give up no matter how hard things get, I need to keep going and work towards achieving what it is that I want to do. Which brings me to a point I probably need to figure out sooner, rather than later.. what is it that I really want to do?

Obviously I want to use my photography to start a small business that makes money. I have bills to pay so it needs to earn enough money to pay my bills. I would like to be in a position in a few years time to buy a bit of land somewhere nice, and eventually build a house there.

I have goals. I have never really wanted to travel overseas, but I would love to one day be able to go to some of the world’s premier motor races like Bathurst, Le Mans, Indianapolis, Monaco, and a few others. But they are all things I would like to do, not what I really want to do. I guess what I really want to do is do something important that means something to someone other than me. Something important that’s not all about me, because I have reached a point in my life where my life is no longer about what I can get from others. I am owed nothing by anyone else, my life has reached the point where I want to give to others and make the world I live in a better place. It is now about what I can give, not what I can get, and what I want to do is give of myself so that others can live a better life. This is what I really want to do.

I do not have a car, and one of the things that was suggested to me was that I should sell my photos at the market here in Hamilton on Saturday, and at one of the better Auckland markets in Takapuna on Sunday, but as good as this idea is, I simply can not do either of these things until I sell a few things to get more stock, and then a vehicle. So this is what I need to work towards.

I am unsure if what I am doing is the right way to do it, or even if I have made the right choice for me to get there because I quit a job that paid money, I need money to do the things I want to do, but it is the choice I made and what I am doing, so the best thing to do is actually get out there and do it.

Before I go I would like to take a moment to thank all of you for putting up with me and these updates, especially those of you who have enquired about how I am or what I am doing over the past few months, your support has been (for lack of a better word) inspirational. I hate using Facebook, but looking through some of the messages and photos, remembering some of the moments shared, has kept me facing forward and wanting to continue an adventure that has seen many crossroads recently, and for those of you who have reminded me you care by txt, email, Facebook, or simply reading these words, I thank you all sincerely..

..because the only thing I am afraid of is not being who I really am.

Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!

.K

PS. I have updated my website www.customvision.co.nz and would love to hear your opinions on its content. For anyone interested in seeing items I have for sale you can go to www.trademe.co.nz and search for ‘handmade NZ framed photo”. And for anyone who wishes to donate to the earthquake victims of Christchurch you can go HERE - http://christchurchearthquakeappeal.govt.nz/

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