The Weekly(ish) Update - Issue 0020

The Weekly(ish) Update

15th October 2010 - Issue Twenty

Heads or tails???...

“Happy Birthday to me… Happy Birthday to me.. Happy Birthday dear Karlyn.. Happy Birthday to me”

I didn’t send the last update and I’m not in a very good place right now. Things are not how I want them to be. Sometimes it seems like they never will be. I am not really sure what to say. Does anyone really care? And the worst part is I know that these phases are a part of me, a part of who I am, they are things that I in theory control, which makes it even harder to ignore.

I have basically locked myself away from the world, no one ever visits and I put on ‘my mask’ whenever I go to work, or outside. I am not doing anything overly productive and every day that passes me by I feel less and less likely too, and it is entirely my own fault.

I miss driving my orange bus around NZ, meeting new people and having fun, I miss the challenge of pushing my bike up hills and free-wheeling down the other side once I make it to the top, unsure what is on the other side. I miss my friends in Australia, my family here in New Zealand, having someone to hold, and I really miss what it feels like when I am ‘me’, because at the moment I’m not ‘me’, I’m not happy and it is entirely my own fault.

I’ve done a few things recently that I am not very proud of, I have not continued to do what I wanted to do, instead falling victim to the day to day routine that has become my life, I have started smoking again, hurting myself from the inside out, and even just knowing I am doing this again causes me more harm, because I know I shouldn’t.

I am my own worst enemy. I have never really liked my birthday. Christmas and New Years Eve are the same. I have had a few memorable ones, some good, some bad. Mostly the bad ones are the same. I spend the day by myself doing nothing, wanting someone else to make the day different, and it never is because I do not do anything to make these days different, it rarely is any more than just another day.

There have been a few that stand out though, like my first birthday together with my birth mother and birth father when I was thirty three, Christmas day two years ago when I hired a car and spent some of the day with all three sides of my family for the first time. Watching the New Years Eve fireworks from the top of the tower at Government House in Melbourne, and the birthday I spent with the Steven’s family, all amongst them.

People often tell me that birthdays and Christmases are for children, I disagree. I think birthdays and Christmases are two days of the year that we all deserve to feel special, that no matter who we are, where we are, or how old we are, that our birthday is a day that people remind us that they are glad we are a part of their lives, and that on Christmas we all remind each other how important they are, because otherwise only some of us get to feel important, which is unfair, because we all are.

Sometimes life is about luck, sometimes it depends on where you are born, the wealth of your family, or colour of your skin, sometimes we are born healthy, sometimes we are not, sometimes we live happily ever after, sometimes tragedy strikes, and at the centre of our world is each of us. Our lives are as important to each of us as the next person, regardless of where, how, who, what, or why.

I don’t know why I care about any or all of this, I just know that my life has led me here, and at the moment I am not very proud of the choices I am making…

…heads or tails???

Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!

.K