The Weekly(ish) Update
13th May 2010
Issue Fourteen
6237km..
That’s how far I rode on my bike around New Zealand, and what an adventure it turned out to be. I met so many wonderful people, visited so many beautiful places, and achieved my goal of rasing awareness for all New Zealands childrens charities many time over.
I knew before I left that it was not going to be easy, infact until I had done the first week I was unsure if I would be able to complete it, I mean how many people decide that they are going to ride a push bike around an entire country and prepare everything but themselves for the adventure, I literally learnt as I went, and in hindsight think it became even more of an adventure because of it.
Day one was probably the hardest, it had the steepest learning curve of any of the other days, mostly because I learnt as I went, and as I went what I learnt was how hard it was going to be. I had over 50kg’s in the trailer, I carried everything I thought I might need in a trailer designed to carry between 20 – 30kgs.. and surprisingly the trailer did really well for the first few weeks, then things started to go wrong, and repears became bigger, more frequently, and more time consuming.
I left Picton about 7.30am and it was as I was pushing my bike up the road out of Picton that I realised how much of a challenge it was going to be, because everytime the road went slightly uphill I had to get off my bike and push the entire weight myself because I was not fit enough to ride up hills, and that was only the start, the road that leads out of Picton was no where near as steep as other roads about to be encountered, and that became even more of a challenge once I got to the mountain range that separated me from the east coast.
I never gave up though, if it was too hard to ride I got off and pushed, I was determined to complete my journey and I took each day as a separate challenge. Initially my goals were simple, finish the distance I planned to do, and try and remain happy doing it. Quite a simple theory for what was a very physical challenge, and I learnt a lot of lessons quickly because there was no other way to complete the next day if I did not learn from the day I was doing.
For example on day three I think it was I ran out of water, I was only carrying two 500ml bottles that I planned to refill when I could, not being a water drinker or heavy exerciser before this journey I had no idea how important that clear liquid actually was, so I initially assumed carrying those two little bottles would be enough.
Well the day I ran out it was about 30 degrees in the shade, the peak of summer and I had a reasonable head wind to contend with, so I didn’t feel myself burn as the wind cooled me nicely, yet my energy levels slowly but surely fell, they fell to the point where after 5 hours without water I looked, and felt, like I was about to pass out. I was very lucky not to collapse, and even luckier to have made it to the shop to get a drink before I did, but I learnt my lesson, and I never ran out of water like that again. On some days I would drink up to 10 litres of water a day, pee very little, but sweat a lot.
I carried all my food for the South Island with me, porridge and soup. Each morning I would have 2 - 3 sachets of porridge, which half filled the pot I cooked it in, and for lunch I would drink 2 – 3 cups of soup, which kept me going through the day, and mostly at night I was often too tired to eat, so porridge and soup became my main diet as I had very little money to buy anything else.
The trouble with this was 6 weeks of food weighs a lot, and I think it was on day two when I bumped into a guy who had cycled around 20+ countries, looking very professional in all his colourful cycling gear with two small bags attached to his bike, who told me he bought his food each day so he didn’t have to carry all the weight, that I began to make plans for a few changes in the North Island.
I had various problems, like the trailer was over loaded, I slept on the side of the road in a tent with no matress, my shoes gave me blisters, and my bum became incredibly sore spending up to 10 hours each day riding, but none of these caused me to stop any longer than was required to fix the problem, or realise that I just had to keep going to complete that particular day, and that is probably what I am the most proud of, the fact I never gave up.
When I first thought about doing this trip I knew it would be hard, and I guess a few days were much harder than others, the learning curve was incredibly steep to begin with, and physically each day presented different challenges, but at no point did I fully realise how much I would enjoy it, how much what I was doing would come to mean to me, because even though I set out to raise awareness for New Zealand childrens charities, I guess there was always a part of me that doubted my own ability to do that to any great degree. I guess I kind of thought that I would get on my bike, ride around New Zealand, had out a few flyers, take a couple of photos, and no one would really care.
Sure when I was in Auckland they didn’t want to know about me, and I never got much reaction in Wellington, or when I first started the journey on the east coast of the South Island, but everywhere else I went the response was well beyond what I expected. I learnt that what I was doing was important, and not something that just anyone would do, I learnt that I was making a difference every where I went, and at no point was this more evident than when I went through Whangarei.
A group of war vetrans had set up a memorial in the city, 420 crosses in a park, each cross had a laminated a4 piece of paper on it that had a heap of information about one vetran who had been killed in a war, and the 420 crosses represented each of the 420 vetrans from Whangarei who had been kiiled. Family visited their realitives cross and added information to it, the vetrans their had a caravan and invited people to know who these people were, and I swear it is one of the most moving memorials I have ever seen anywhere.
I was talking to a few of the vetrans there, and one of them made me realise how important my journey was when he said “that I was not only raising awareness for New Zealand childrens charities, but doing something for the future of New Zealand children”. Which coming from someone who had fought for New Zealand in a war, mean a lot, and I was humbled by the experience.
During my journey I was lucky enough to get myself written about in maybe 20 local newspapers, most of which had a photo as well, and also I did maybe a dozen interviews on radio stations across the country, including one of my favourite interviews at Nagti Porou Radio in Ruatoria, where a young guy tied his horse up to the post outside the window of the radio station as we were doing the interview, so he could get milk and bread from the shop. I met a range of incredible people, people who all inspired me to continue, some of whom offered me meals, beds, help, prayers, and in one instance an asparigus roll halfway up a mountain I had been pushing my bike for a couple of hours. There were also things I did not like so much, like all those people who actually tried to kill me using their car or truck by ‘squeezing’ past me where I had no room to move, or moved into me instead of away from me as they went past, the few people who laughed at me when I was struggling, or the fact that my jouney had to end and there was no way for me to do anymore than what I had done.
Which I guess is why came up with the idea to try and create an auction for my favourite charity Canteen using some of the photos I took whilst I was doing my ‘Cycle for Life’, and so far it hass not progressed further than an idea, but what I am thinking of doing is allowing Canteen to choose my 10 best photos, print them out on a3 art paper so they are of stunning quality, get them framed using 40,000 year old kauri so the frames make them even more desirable, and auction them on trade me, with all the money going to Canteen.
What do you think?
I would like to do something more, something to end my adventure before I start Custom Vision Photography officially next month after I move to Hamilton next week. I would like a way to celebrate the fact that I rode my bike, and completed my goal, of raising awareness for all New Zealand childrens charities by cycling around Aotearoa…
…6237km.
Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!
.K
Thursday, May 13, 2010
The Weekly(ish) Update - Issue 0013
The Weekly(ish) Update
26th January 2010
Issue Thirteen
I’ve missed you New Zealand…
I finished my job today at the airport driving the staff around in circles, and I must admit that as much as I enjoyed meeting a few new people, spending a moment of each day with a variety of staff from air hostess’s to baggage handlers, I am not really going to miss to much about the place, and I am even more certain that most will not even notice I am no longer there.
It is one of those jobs that anyone with half a brain can do, and even though I tried to be professional, and polite, even when some of the staff were very rude, the fact remains that there is only so much a person can do when the people they are dealing with only ever really see the back of a head for a few minutes a day.
I never intended staying as long as I did, it became a necessity due to the hours I was given, or should I say lack of them, and as hard as it has been financially this year for me, I knew that eventually I would have to decide to leave for another job, or leave to do my own thing, regardless of my situation, because things there were never going to be any more than they were, which was not ideal financially, but being completely honest with you they never really have been for me, so it was time to do something different.
Starting my own business is something I have always wanted to do, I have had lots of ideas over the years for a range of money making schemes that would give me independence from needing to rely on someone else, control over my own destiny, and ultimately freedom to do what I want to do, but for a variety of reasons I have never actively pursued any one of those ideas, which I guess has somehow made me even more determined to make my first venture a success.
My life has led me to this point, I know where I have been and to a degree learnt who I am, I now must take the next step in my life and that step is going to lead me to more options than I have ever had before in my life (those of you who really know me will agree that I have had A LOT of options over the years, some good, some not so good), but my new options will continue to focus on achieving the plan I partially set for myself before I was no longer allowed to drive tour buses around New Zealand, a plan that I have not strayed too far away from regardless of how far away it has seemed at times, because ultimately one of the things I have learnt in my life to date is that achieving my goals is as important in my life as believing that my goals are worth having, in other words… my life is worth living.
I have spent so much time in Wellington trying to build a relationship with my adopted family that is sustainable after I leave here next week, most likely for the last time (as I can only see myself returning to visit briefly once I begin to start working on my own business) that other areas of my life I have not been maintained very well at all, and as much as want to say that ‘repairing’ those other areas of my life will soon become a reality, the truth is those other areas of my life are what they are, and the best thing that I can do is concentrate on doing what I need to do, because for so long I have always worried about things that mattered to other people, instead of focusing on what matters to me.
I think most of you know me well enough to know that there are two definite sides to my personality, one that I try to show people most of the time, the side that is cheeky, playful and happy, the one that wants other people to like me that is neither shy, or easily offended, the side that does things for other people to help them, to make their lives better, and then there is ‘the other one’, the one that I try to hide, the side of me that really does care, that hurts deeper inside than anything else because I am yet to discover a way to appropriately display how this feels to anyone else, because I believe no one who ever really sees me will ever really see me, and for so long it is that which I have hidden inside me that has stopped me from showing who I really am to everyone I meet.
I lost my bus driving job because I showed people glimpses of who I have been and they did not understand it, they did not know me well enough to know that to me those glimpses did not even scratch the surface and that I had dealt with ‘my dark passenger’ for longer than anyone I know has spent in regular contact with me, full stop, not once loosing control over my actions to the point where I felt I needed to get some sort of help, and a couple of you reading this know some of the things that I have been through in my life, which I guess is my way of saying that even though at times I have made some silly choices, said the wrong thing, or acted in a way that may have seemed unreasonable, I have never been a danger to anyone other than myself, and for people to think otherwise hurts, it hurts a lot, because I know how hard I have tried to not hurt anyone but me.
Being completely honest with all of you… I am so sick of having to act like there is nothing wrong, because people continuously treat me like there is something wrong with me, that I am different than they are, that because I have made the changes in my life that I have made, like no drinking etc. even though I didn’t think they effected me negatively) just to show that the things I were doing before did not effect who I was, that the things I did before were just things I did, and not who I was, because thankfully a couple of you have taught me that being myself does not require me to do anything other than be who I am, that regardless of choices I have made, silly things I have said or done, that I am who I am, that I do not have to change to be someone else, and it is with that knowledge I am moving forward in my life.
Before I start my business I am going to ride my bike around New Zealand, something that I am going to start to do in 5 days time, and one of the biggest challenges for me will be going to see all the people I never saw again after I stopped driving around New Zealand.
Even though I know that most of the people I will get to stop in and talk to have got on with their life and not given me a second thought, the right thing, and in some cases the hardest thing, will be going to see them one at a time and telling them what happened, telling them why I stopped coming in to see them, because what I have not told anyone since I finished driving is that when I was not allowed to keep driving, and subsequently unfairly dismissed, I lost contact with all of my friends.
The guys I use to work with, the other drivers and office staff no longer talk to me, the staff in the hostels and café’s no longer talk to me, the operators of all those great activities I took people to see no longer talk to me, and very few of my friends who were once passengers on the bus still talk to me, and because the way it happened, what was said about me both at the time, and in the letters written since, I certainly feel less and less comfortable about the whole thing because the only person effected is me.
I don’t blame anyone for what happened though, no one but myself, and I guess that is the hardest part, accepting complete responsibility for something that happened to me that if seen though my eyes would never have happened, and all I can do is get on with what I am doing, continue the plan that I made and that I will work towards regardless of the challenges that are thrown at me, because in the end that is all I can do, I cant change what has happened, all I can do is put myself into a realistic position so I can do everything I need to do to ensure it does not happen ever again.
I have not changed parts of my life because of other people, I have changed because of myself, because of what I want to do, and I know that some people will think that I am doing what I am doing to spite the fact I no longer drive tour buses, or because I want to start my own business and make money to help young people, but the simple fact is that I am about to get on a bike and ride around the coasts of first the South, and then the North Islands, because it is something that I want to do for myself, and regardless of any money raised or publicity received, the achievement made just in attempting it has rewards I expect to last well beyond the adventure itself, but what an adventure.
I don’t have any money, and I am unsure how far my bike will get as neither of us have ever attempted anything like this before, but I am going to give it a go, I am going to take one day at a time, not push myself too hard so that I enjoy it as much as possible, as I am on the road for three months, cycling between 60 – 90 kilometres every day without a day off, in the variety of weather conditions that so far this summer range from between barely average, to torrential rain with gale force winds, and I have no support crew, which basically means that I am in for one amazing, roller coaster of a journey.
I have tried to get sponsorship, ‘Charlies’ sent me some juice, and ‘Interislander’ offered free travel on the ferry between Wellington and Picton, no one else was interested, I started to collect donations at the suggestion of one of the staff, after selling Christmas cards at work, and when I picked up the donation box this morning I discovered someone had ripped it open and taken all the money that was in it, which included the money from the cards I had made.
I have sent heaps of letters to T.V, radio, and newspapers, with one reply, so before I go I will have another go, but the short version is I am doing this on my own, and it is going to be what I make of it, and as unlucky as I appear to be I think as long as I stay focused on what I need to do, try to make it as enjoyable as possible by not pushing myself too hard, take time out to take photos, meet locals, and share the experience, I will hopefully gather some momentum and a few more people will support what I am doing, but I am preparing myself for the possibility of doing the whole trip unsupported.
One of the charities I support asked me today to remove their logo from the trailer, and my website, because I do not meet their requirements for a supporter (which I think means because I am not guaranteeing that I will be able to give them cash they do not want me benefitting from the use of their brand, which is a shame as they were one of my favourite charities.
There is a lot more still to do before I leave at the end of the week for Picton, but I am getting through it all slowly, and regardless of what happens, on Sunday afternoon I will be on that boat ready to start to ride my bike ride on Monday morning, for the first of ninety one epic stages of ‘Cycle for Life’ that will take me all around this beautiful country I call home…
…I’ve missed you New Zealand.
.K
PS. …if you want to check up on me I will be putting regular updates on my Twitter page every day because I can send messages to it from my mobile phone almost every where I go, and will also update my Blog page when ever I get access to the internet.
If you want to send me messages you can do so via txt to my mobile phone, and if you, or someone you know, are going to be in one of the places I go to on the day I go there and want to offer a friendly face to talk to, a decent meal, or comfortable bed for the night, please contact me using any of the details on my website, which also has detailed route information for the entire journey…
http://www.customvision.co.nz
26th January 2010
Issue Thirteen
I’ve missed you New Zealand…
I finished my job today at the airport driving the staff around in circles, and I must admit that as much as I enjoyed meeting a few new people, spending a moment of each day with a variety of staff from air hostess’s to baggage handlers, I am not really going to miss to much about the place, and I am even more certain that most will not even notice I am no longer there.
It is one of those jobs that anyone with half a brain can do, and even though I tried to be professional, and polite, even when some of the staff were very rude, the fact remains that there is only so much a person can do when the people they are dealing with only ever really see the back of a head for a few minutes a day.
I never intended staying as long as I did, it became a necessity due to the hours I was given, or should I say lack of them, and as hard as it has been financially this year for me, I knew that eventually I would have to decide to leave for another job, or leave to do my own thing, regardless of my situation, because things there were never going to be any more than they were, which was not ideal financially, but being completely honest with you they never really have been for me, so it was time to do something different.
Starting my own business is something I have always wanted to do, I have had lots of ideas over the years for a range of money making schemes that would give me independence from needing to rely on someone else, control over my own destiny, and ultimately freedom to do what I want to do, but for a variety of reasons I have never actively pursued any one of those ideas, which I guess has somehow made me even more determined to make my first venture a success.
My life has led me to this point, I know where I have been and to a degree learnt who I am, I now must take the next step in my life and that step is going to lead me to more options than I have ever had before in my life (those of you who really know me will agree that I have had A LOT of options over the years, some good, some not so good), but my new options will continue to focus on achieving the plan I partially set for myself before I was no longer allowed to drive tour buses around New Zealand, a plan that I have not strayed too far away from regardless of how far away it has seemed at times, because ultimately one of the things I have learnt in my life to date is that achieving my goals is as important in my life as believing that my goals are worth having, in other words… my life is worth living.
I have spent so much time in Wellington trying to build a relationship with my adopted family that is sustainable after I leave here next week, most likely for the last time (as I can only see myself returning to visit briefly once I begin to start working on my own business) that other areas of my life I have not been maintained very well at all, and as much as want to say that ‘repairing’ those other areas of my life will soon become a reality, the truth is those other areas of my life are what they are, and the best thing that I can do is concentrate on doing what I need to do, because for so long I have always worried about things that mattered to other people, instead of focusing on what matters to me.
I think most of you know me well enough to know that there are two definite sides to my personality, one that I try to show people most of the time, the side that is cheeky, playful and happy, the one that wants other people to like me that is neither shy, or easily offended, the side that does things for other people to help them, to make their lives better, and then there is ‘the other one’, the one that I try to hide, the side of me that really does care, that hurts deeper inside than anything else because I am yet to discover a way to appropriately display how this feels to anyone else, because I believe no one who ever really sees me will ever really see me, and for so long it is that which I have hidden inside me that has stopped me from showing who I really am to everyone I meet.
I lost my bus driving job because I showed people glimpses of who I have been and they did not understand it, they did not know me well enough to know that to me those glimpses did not even scratch the surface and that I had dealt with ‘my dark passenger’ for longer than anyone I know has spent in regular contact with me, full stop, not once loosing control over my actions to the point where I felt I needed to get some sort of help, and a couple of you reading this know some of the things that I have been through in my life, which I guess is my way of saying that even though at times I have made some silly choices, said the wrong thing, or acted in a way that may have seemed unreasonable, I have never been a danger to anyone other than myself, and for people to think otherwise hurts, it hurts a lot, because I know how hard I have tried to not hurt anyone but me.
Being completely honest with all of you… I am so sick of having to act like there is nothing wrong, because people continuously treat me like there is something wrong with me, that I am different than they are, that because I have made the changes in my life that I have made, like no drinking etc. even though I didn’t think they effected me negatively) just to show that the things I were doing before did not effect who I was, that the things I did before were just things I did, and not who I was, because thankfully a couple of you have taught me that being myself does not require me to do anything other than be who I am, that regardless of choices I have made, silly things I have said or done, that I am who I am, that I do not have to change to be someone else, and it is with that knowledge I am moving forward in my life.
Before I start my business I am going to ride my bike around New Zealand, something that I am going to start to do in 5 days time, and one of the biggest challenges for me will be going to see all the people I never saw again after I stopped driving around New Zealand.
Even though I know that most of the people I will get to stop in and talk to have got on with their life and not given me a second thought, the right thing, and in some cases the hardest thing, will be going to see them one at a time and telling them what happened, telling them why I stopped coming in to see them, because what I have not told anyone since I finished driving is that when I was not allowed to keep driving, and subsequently unfairly dismissed, I lost contact with all of my friends.
The guys I use to work with, the other drivers and office staff no longer talk to me, the staff in the hostels and café’s no longer talk to me, the operators of all those great activities I took people to see no longer talk to me, and very few of my friends who were once passengers on the bus still talk to me, and because the way it happened, what was said about me both at the time, and in the letters written since, I certainly feel less and less comfortable about the whole thing because the only person effected is me.
I don’t blame anyone for what happened though, no one but myself, and I guess that is the hardest part, accepting complete responsibility for something that happened to me that if seen though my eyes would never have happened, and all I can do is get on with what I am doing, continue the plan that I made and that I will work towards regardless of the challenges that are thrown at me, because in the end that is all I can do, I cant change what has happened, all I can do is put myself into a realistic position so I can do everything I need to do to ensure it does not happen ever again.
I have not changed parts of my life because of other people, I have changed because of myself, because of what I want to do, and I know that some people will think that I am doing what I am doing to spite the fact I no longer drive tour buses, or because I want to start my own business and make money to help young people, but the simple fact is that I am about to get on a bike and ride around the coasts of first the South, and then the North Islands, because it is something that I want to do for myself, and regardless of any money raised or publicity received, the achievement made just in attempting it has rewards I expect to last well beyond the adventure itself, but what an adventure.
I don’t have any money, and I am unsure how far my bike will get as neither of us have ever attempted anything like this before, but I am going to give it a go, I am going to take one day at a time, not push myself too hard so that I enjoy it as much as possible, as I am on the road for three months, cycling between 60 – 90 kilometres every day without a day off, in the variety of weather conditions that so far this summer range from between barely average, to torrential rain with gale force winds, and I have no support crew, which basically means that I am in for one amazing, roller coaster of a journey.
I have tried to get sponsorship, ‘Charlies’ sent me some juice, and ‘Interislander’ offered free travel on the ferry between Wellington and Picton, no one else was interested, I started to collect donations at the suggestion of one of the staff, after selling Christmas cards at work, and when I picked up the donation box this morning I discovered someone had ripped it open and taken all the money that was in it, which included the money from the cards I had made.
I have sent heaps of letters to T.V, radio, and newspapers, with one reply, so before I go I will have another go, but the short version is I am doing this on my own, and it is going to be what I make of it, and as unlucky as I appear to be I think as long as I stay focused on what I need to do, try to make it as enjoyable as possible by not pushing myself too hard, take time out to take photos, meet locals, and share the experience, I will hopefully gather some momentum and a few more people will support what I am doing, but I am preparing myself for the possibility of doing the whole trip unsupported.
One of the charities I support asked me today to remove their logo from the trailer, and my website, because I do not meet their requirements for a supporter (which I think means because I am not guaranteeing that I will be able to give them cash they do not want me benefitting from the use of their brand, which is a shame as they were one of my favourite charities.
There is a lot more still to do before I leave at the end of the week for Picton, but I am getting through it all slowly, and regardless of what happens, on Sunday afternoon I will be on that boat ready to start to ride my bike ride on Monday morning, for the first of ninety one epic stages of ‘Cycle for Life’ that will take me all around this beautiful country I call home…
…I’ve missed you New Zealand.
.K
PS. …if you want to check up on me I will be putting regular updates on my Twitter page every day because I can send messages to it from my mobile phone almost every where I go, and will also update my Blog page when ever I get access to the internet.
If you want to send me messages you can do so via txt to my mobile phone, and if you, or someone you know, are going to be in one of the places I go to on the day I go there and want to offer a friendly face to talk to, a decent meal, or comfortable bed for the night, please contact me using any of the details on my website, which also has detailed route information for the entire journey…
http://www.customvision.co.nz
The Weekly(ish) Update - Issue 0012
The Weekly(ish) Update
31st December 2009
Issue Twelve
Things never end how they begin…
Another year has been and is now gone, and as much as I thought I would be saying that I have had a really shitty year, when I think about it I must admit that it wasn’t that bad after all, that I have in fact done more this year than any other to insure that the next year holds more potential than any other year before it, and that is simply not because of what has happened, but what I have done.
Sure it did not go to plan, far from it, and most of that can be traced back to a single event this time last year which allowed other people the opportunity to change my goals for 2009, goals that I thought would find me moving towards where I wanted to be in a particular way, but everything changed almost the moment I decided what I was going to do, and it has literally taken me up until this moment to fully appreciate what I have achieved with everything that has happened, and what I have done in response to it all.
Significantly, two of my aunties died this year from cancer, and I am grateful that I had the chance to get to know each of them, that I came back from Australia to spend time getting to know people who took the time to share moments with me, to get to know me just a little bit, because those moments I will treasure forever.
Last Christmas I drove around the North Island to spend an hour or so with my birth father, and my two very sick aunties, before I drove to Auckland to see my birth mother. A day that reminded me of what an emotional roller coaster I have been on since coming back to New Zealand to meet my birth family for, what was for most, the very first time, and how much I have grown since then, that because I was willing to do so much to simply share a moment knowing almost everyone wanted more from me, which even today I think very few people really understand, I gained so much more within the moments I shared with everyone, and how they all became a part of my life.
That was the very first time I had spent Christmas day with my birth mother, and father, on the same day, which meant heaps to me on its own, but add to that I started the day at my adopted parents, meant I spent my first ever Christmas with all of my family, ever, which I think is pretty cool, but at the same time it was not an easy because knowing I could only share a moment with each meant I couldn’t really relax and really enjoy it.
Seeing both of my aunties was good, but very hard, as they were both so sick with cancer you could see how much those around them were hurting, and yet the day was perfect, even though I didn’t get to see some of my family because they were doing other things that meant when I got to them they were not home, which was a shame, but not something I dwelled on because I did my best and I had tried to see everyone.
I didn’t drink to celebrate Christmas, the first chance for that was when I left on tour and had a couple of drinks at the end of that day, but it was nothing major though.
A couple of hours sleep and I started a day that has led me to change my life more than I ever wanted to, a day that I have relived over and over in my head regularly ever since it happened, trying to understand why it happened, why people who did not know me decided what was best for me, and why events lined up to create a situation that caused me to unfairly loose everything I had worked so hard for.
This year has not been easy, which I have just realised a few of you who know me quite well might find a strange thing for me to say after everything else I have been through in my life, considering this year I found myself a new job to earn a little bit of money, had a place to stay at night, food to eat etc, and compared to so many other years I have had, this year on the surface has not been all that bad, but when you factor in how hard I have worked over the years to not let myself have a future that was my past, how hard I have worked to stand on my own two feet and not only look after myself, but those around me, then to have let others take that away from me, meant that this year has at times been harder than any other year before it.
Because of everything that happened I decided to make two major changes in my life this year, changes that were not planned, nor were they made because I felt I was doing something wrong and needed to change, but changes I have made to prevent certain events happening again, to prevent other people again having leverage to change my path in life in the same way that happened this year ever again.
The first change is that I no longer drink alcohol and/or use any drugs, something that is a massive change in my life because it was a huge part of my life, as this is how I’ve grown up, but something I decided to do in part to honour a commitment to one of my aunties, and also because I believe that this choice will allow me the best opportunity to succeed with my goals, eliminating many distractions, and giving me the best possible focus on achieving everything I am setting out to do in the future.
The second change is I have put myself into a position where I will no longer work for anyone else ever again, that I am now in a position to start my own business, using my talents to earn my own money, and truly stand on my own two feet.
I think that is one of the main reasons I have changed so many things in my life, is because this year I have missed the freedom to do what I want to do when I want to do it, I have missed spending time with my birth father, my birth mother, my sisters, and brother, my nieces and nephews, aunties and uncles, and all of my friends, not because I want, or need anything from them, but because I have at time been reminded through the eyes of others how much I have enjoyed sharing moments with all of these people, how much better my life is with all of these people a part of it.
One of the biggest highlights for me this year has been being a part of my adopted brothers two girls life, my youngest nieces have grown before me and as such I have become a part of who they are, and for me, someone who for many years felt like he was not a part of anything, that has meant so much.
I have realised many things this past year, I have realised that all of my family is the most important thing in my life, that my real friends are part of that family, that I can be true to myself without hiding beneath a mask because the people who really care about me like me for who I really am, not who I disguise myself to be, that life is hard if I choose it to be, that bad things happen to good people, and that it is only when we change what we do that we can change the things that are around us, sharing the things that have allowed me to grow more than any other year before it.
I have a lot of plans for 2010, the two big ones though are ‘Cycle for Life’ and ‘Custom Vision’, but there are a lot of things I am looking forward to doing that will bring me closer to my major goal of building a house on the piece of land I want to buy within the next four years, finally creating myself a ‘home’, and that is what I have been setting myself up to work towards this past year, that is what I am going to continue to work towards this coming year, and for that I can argue 2009 has not been the shitty year I thought it may have been.
I would like to thank you all for being a part of who I am, and who I have become, there is so much I now have to do and I even though I know I have to do what I need to do on my own, I do it with the support of everyone who is, and has been, a part of my life now, and forever.
I hope you all had a very merry Christmas, a safe, and happy New Years eve, and may I just say no matter where you are, what you are doing, or how you feel at a particular moment, in any part of any day, that regardless of what happens to you, “things never end how they begin”.
All the best for 2010 everyone (“,)
.K
PS. …and to my best friend, Peter Michael Wall, who died at almost the exact time this message is sent, on New Years day so many years ago, I still miss you my friend.
31st December 2009
Issue Twelve
Things never end how they begin…
Another year has been and is now gone, and as much as I thought I would be saying that I have had a really shitty year, when I think about it I must admit that it wasn’t that bad after all, that I have in fact done more this year than any other to insure that the next year holds more potential than any other year before it, and that is simply not because of what has happened, but what I have done.
Sure it did not go to plan, far from it, and most of that can be traced back to a single event this time last year which allowed other people the opportunity to change my goals for 2009, goals that I thought would find me moving towards where I wanted to be in a particular way, but everything changed almost the moment I decided what I was going to do, and it has literally taken me up until this moment to fully appreciate what I have achieved with everything that has happened, and what I have done in response to it all.
Significantly, two of my aunties died this year from cancer, and I am grateful that I had the chance to get to know each of them, that I came back from Australia to spend time getting to know people who took the time to share moments with me, to get to know me just a little bit, because those moments I will treasure forever.
Last Christmas I drove around the North Island to spend an hour or so with my birth father, and my two very sick aunties, before I drove to Auckland to see my birth mother. A day that reminded me of what an emotional roller coaster I have been on since coming back to New Zealand to meet my birth family for, what was for most, the very first time, and how much I have grown since then, that because I was willing to do so much to simply share a moment knowing almost everyone wanted more from me, which even today I think very few people really understand, I gained so much more within the moments I shared with everyone, and how they all became a part of my life.
That was the very first time I had spent Christmas day with my birth mother, and father, on the same day, which meant heaps to me on its own, but add to that I started the day at my adopted parents, meant I spent my first ever Christmas with all of my family, ever, which I think is pretty cool, but at the same time it was not an easy because knowing I could only share a moment with each meant I couldn’t really relax and really enjoy it.
Seeing both of my aunties was good, but very hard, as they were both so sick with cancer you could see how much those around them were hurting, and yet the day was perfect, even though I didn’t get to see some of my family because they were doing other things that meant when I got to them they were not home, which was a shame, but not something I dwelled on because I did my best and I had tried to see everyone.
I didn’t drink to celebrate Christmas, the first chance for that was when I left on tour and had a couple of drinks at the end of that day, but it was nothing major though.
A couple of hours sleep and I started a day that has led me to change my life more than I ever wanted to, a day that I have relived over and over in my head regularly ever since it happened, trying to understand why it happened, why people who did not know me decided what was best for me, and why events lined up to create a situation that caused me to unfairly loose everything I had worked so hard for.
This year has not been easy, which I have just realised a few of you who know me quite well might find a strange thing for me to say after everything else I have been through in my life, considering this year I found myself a new job to earn a little bit of money, had a place to stay at night, food to eat etc, and compared to so many other years I have had, this year on the surface has not been all that bad, but when you factor in how hard I have worked over the years to not let myself have a future that was my past, how hard I have worked to stand on my own two feet and not only look after myself, but those around me, then to have let others take that away from me, meant that this year has at times been harder than any other year before it.
Because of everything that happened I decided to make two major changes in my life this year, changes that were not planned, nor were they made because I felt I was doing something wrong and needed to change, but changes I have made to prevent certain events happening again, to prevent other people again having leverage to change my path in life in the same way that happened this year ever again.
The first change is that I no longer drink alcohol and/or use any drugs, something that is a massive change in my life because it was a huge part of my life, as this is how I’ve grown up, but something I decided to do in part to honour a commitment to one of my aunties, and also because I believe that this choice will allow me the best opportunity to succeed with my goals, eliminating many distractions, and giving me the best possible focus on achieving everything I am setting out to do in the future.
The second change is I have put myself into a position where I will no longer work for anyone else ever again, that I am now in a position to start my own business, using my talents to earn my own money, and truly stand on my own two feet.
I think that is one of the main reasons I have changed so many things in my life, is because this year I have missed the freedom to do what I want to do when I want to do it, I have missed spending time with my birth father, my birth mother, my sisters, and brother, my nieces and nephews, aunties and uncles, and all of my friends, not because I want, or need anything from them, but because I have at time been reminded through the eyes of others how much I have enjoyed sharing moments with all of these people, how much better my life is with all of these people a part of it.
One of the biggest highlights for me this year has been being a part of my adopted brothers two girls life, my youngest nieces have grown before me and as such I have become a part of who they are, and for me, someone who for many years felt like he was not a part of anything, that has meant so much.
I have realised many things this past year, I have realised that all of my family is the most important thing in my life, that my real friends are part of that family, that I can be true to myself without hiding beneath a mask because the people who really care about me like me for who I really am, not who I disguise myself to be, that life is hard if I choose it to be, that bad things happen to good people, and that it is only when we change what we do that we can change the things that are around us, sharing the things that have allowed me to grow more than any other year before it.
I have a lot of plans for 2010, the two big ones though are ‘Cycle for Life’ and ‘Custom Vision’, but there are a lot of things I am looking forward to doing that will bring me closer to my major goal of building a house on the piece of land I want to buy within the next four years, finally creating myself a ‘home’, and that is what I have been setting myself up to work towards this past year, that is what I am going to continue to work towards this coming year, and for that I can argue 2009 has not been the shitty year I thought it may have been.
I would like to thank you all for being a part of who I am, and who I have become, there is so much I now have to do and I even though I know I have to do what I need to do on my own, I do it with the support of everyone who is, and has been, a part of my life now, and forever.
I hope you all had a very merry Christmas, a safe, and happy New Years eve, and may I just say no matter where you are, what you are doing, or how you feel at a particular moment, in any part of any day, that regardless of what happens to you, “things never end how they begin”.
All the best for 2010 everyone (“,)
.K
PS. …and to my best friend, Peter Michael Wall, who died at almost the exact time this message is sent, on New Years day so many years ago, I still miss you my friend.
The Weekly(ish) Update - Issue 0011
The Weekly(ish) Update
15th December 2009
Issue Eleven
It’s not about what I can get, it’s about what I can give…
I perhaps should have named this the monthy(ish) update, but the last few weeks I have been a little bit busy sorting out a few things in preparation for what will be a very busy 2010, which now is only a few weeks away.
Christmas just around the corner, and this year I am not having Christmas, well not in the same way I have come to think about Christmas, this year I will be at work again doing something I no longer enjoy, but doing it so that next year, and every other year after it, I hopefully do not have to do something I no longer enjoy ever again.
Last year was the first year I managed to spend a part of Christmas day with all three sides of my family, when I started in Wellington at my adopted parents, drove to Hamilton to spend a couple of hours in the afternoon with my birth father and his side of my family, then went to Auckland to spend a little bit of time that night with my birth mother and some of her side of my family, a day that was a little bit rushed, overwhelming, and yet allowed me to tick a big box on my life’s ‘To Do List’.
But that was last year, I am actually glad that this year is almost over, a lot of things happened this year that I have struggled to find sense in, things that took me from being very happy doing things I loved, to a place that I realise now I need to move through so that my life can now move forward, a place that I had been many times but thought I was moving away from at my own pace until I was forced to focus on it again, to have to make changes so I can be in no doubt simular things will never happen again, because all the signs were there I would slide back into being depressed again, so it has been a year of continuous change for me, a year where I managed to do enough to remain focused on my goals, but still another year I am happy to move on from, regardless of how I feel about events that happened within it.
I miss a lot of things in my life at the moment, things that next year I will again work hard on filling gaps in my life with that they have left at the moment, because as much as I need to move forward, and to continue to grow, I also need to feel I am doing all I can to hold on to what is important to me.
Until then I will continue to miss living in Australia, and my friends that I have not seen for ages, I will continue to miss moments shared with all of my family, travelling around New Zealand, meeting new people, and discovering new places, I will continue to miss learning, growing, and simply ‘being me’.
There is a plan, there always was a plan, a few goals I to work towards, and ultimately achieve, a list that is continuously added to, aimed for, and updated as I move forward. A list that includes simple, quick and easy to do things, and longer, more difficult projects, but everything is as important as the other, and makes so much more sense to my life once completed.
I have been doing a lot of reflecting, remembering moments in my life that at the time had little or no meaning, but things that I can now see how much they impacted on choices that were made, paths that were followed, and situations that I found myself in. My life has always been my own, but I have shared it with so many people, and not always done what was the right thing at that time, regardless of whether I knew differently or not in those moments.
Most of you would have heard of an old dead lady called Mother Teresa, who became famous for helping people, but unlike most famous people she never did any one thing that made her famous, she was just a really nice person who gave of herself continuously so that other people’s lives could be better, who is quoted as saying is ‘I have discovered the paradox that if you love until it hurts, then there is no longer hurt, but only love’.
What most people do not know about Mother Teresa is she actually doubted the existence of god (you can check this if you look at facts about her in letters that she wrote that are easy enough to find on the internet, Wikipedia for example has some honest facts about her), but the amazing part is she based her life on ‘doing god’s work’, which is a huge test of her faith, and yet she continuously lived what she believed until the day she died.
I have no idea what paradox means, I could look it up, but that is not the point, the point is that this little old dead lady discovered in giving, she received, that by doing what she thought was right, this little old lady found a place inside herself that allowed her to continuously give to others, because it was ‘right’, and sadly that is not something people know a lot about.
Everyone wants a fancy car, a flash house, pretty clothes and expensive shoes, everyone wants to be like the rappers in music videos, with all their ‘bling’ who continuously want to ‘slap their bitch’, or the corporate mogul whose only goal is to climb to the top of the money tree, at any ones expense, and I guess it is the same for an athlete who wants to be the best, or the team who want to win, everyone wants to be better than who they really are, everyone except those who give of themselves, regardless of what they believe, because it is right, just like a little old dead lady called Mother Teresa.
Now there is no way I’m about to compare myself to any one famous, there are thousands, if not millions, of people who are way more qualified to things for other people than I am, people who genuinely make differences in other peoples lives, but what I would like to do though is my part in making the world I live in a better place, feel like I have done something that means something to someone other than me, simply because I believe that it is the right thing for me to do.
This was reinforced last night when I was watching T.V and there was a family on the news who had two children, the first was diagnosed with type one diabetes, requiring him to injected himself regularly throughout each day with what ever it is they inject themselves with, at a young age, and at some point he admitted he felt hard done by, that it wasn’t fair, that was of course until his brother was found to have a rare form of cancer that they thought would be easily treated, which ultimately wasn’t, and he filled a large jar with well over one thousand of the various beads that patients receive for their treatments, before it eventually took his life just after his seventeenth birthday, and his brother was now ‘inspired’ to live each day to its fullest, whilst his parents stating that there was no cause for the illnesses, that their boys, like so many other people, were just unlucky.
In case anyone has missed the point of all this, I know how lucky I am, regardless of what has happened to me, because it is not about what I can get, its about what I can give.
Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!
.K
PS. If you guys get a few minutes please check out the website I have been working on, and offer advice, comments, or suggestions…
http://www.customvision.co.nz
15th December 2009
Issue Eleven
It’s not about what I can get, it’s about what I can give…
I perhaps should have named this the monthy(ish) update, but the last few weeks I have been a little bit busy sorting out a few things in preparation for what will be a very busy 2010, which now is only a few weeks away.
Christmas just around the corner, and this year I am not having Christmas, well not in the same way I have come to think about Christmas, this year I will be at work again doing something I no longer enjoy, but doing it so that next year, and every other year after it, I hopefully do not have to do something I no longer enjoy ever again.
Last year was the first year I managed to spend a part of Christmas day with all three sides of my family, when I started in Wellington at my adopted parents, drove to Hamilton to spend a couple of hours in the afternoon with my birth father and his side of my family, then went to Auckland to spend a little bit of time that night with my birth mother and some of her side of my family, a day that was a little bit rushed, overwhelming, and yet allowed me to tick a big box on my life’s ‘To Do List’.
But that was last year, I am actually glad that this year is almost over, a lot of things happened this year that I have struggled to find sense in, things that took me from being very happy doing things I loved, to a place that I realise now I need to move through so that my life can now move forward, a place that I had been many times but thought I was moving away from at my own pace until I was forced to focus on it again, to have to make changes so I can be in no doubt simular things will never happen again, because all the signs were there I would slide back into being depressed again, so it has been a year of continuous change for me, a year where I managed to do enough to remain focused on my goals, but still another year I am happy to move on from, regardless of how I feel about events that happened within it.
I miss a lot of things in my life at the moment, things that next year I will again work hard on filling gaps in my life with that they have left at the moment, because as much as I need to move forward, and to continue to grow, I also need to feel I am doing all I can to hold on to what is important to me.
Until then I will continue to miss living in Australia, and my friends that I have not seen for ages, I will continue to miss moments shared with all of my family, travelling around New Zealand, meeting new people, and discovering new places, I will continue to miss learning, growing, and simply ‘being me’.
There is a plan, there always was a plan, a few goals I to work towards, and ultimately achieve, a list that is continuously added to, aimed for, and updated as I move forward. A list that includes simple, quick and easy to do things, and longer, more difficult projects, but everything is as important as the other, and makes so much more sense to my life once completed.
I have been doing a lot of reflecting, remembering moments in my life that at the time had little or no meaning, but things that I can now see how much they impacted on choices that were made, paths that were followed, and situations that I found myself in. My life has always been my own, but I have shared it with so many people, and not always done what was the right thing at that time, regardless of whether I knew differently or not in those moments.
Most of you would have heard of an old dead lady called Mother Teresa, who became famous for helping people, but unlike most famous people she never did any one thing that made her famous, she was just a really nice person who gave of herself continuously so that other people’s lives could be better, who is quoted as saying is ‘I have discovered the paradox that if you love until it hurts, then there is no longer hurt, but only love’.
What most people do not know about Mother Teresa is she actually doubted the existence of god (you can check this if you look at facts about her in letters that she wrote that are easy enough to find on the internet, Wikipedia for example has some honest facts about her), but the amazing part is she based her life on ‘doing god’s work’, which is a huge test of her faith, and yet she continuously lived what she believed until the day she died.
I have no idea what paradox means, I could look it up, but that is not the point, the point is that this little old dead lady discovered in giving, she received, that by doing what she thought was right, this little old lady found a place inside herself that allowed her to continuously give to others, because it was ‘right’, and sadly that is not something people know a lot about.
Everyone wants a fancy car, a flash house, pretty clothes and expensive shoes, everyone wants to be like the rappers in music videos, with all their ‘bling’ who continuously want to ‘slap their bitch’, or the corporate mogul whose only goal is to climb to the top of the money tree, at any ones expense, and I guess it is the same for an athlete who wants to be the best, or the team who want to win, everyone wants to be better than who they really are, everyone except those who give of themselves, regardless of what they believe, because it is right, just like a little old dead lady called Mother Teresa.
Now there is no way I’m about to compare myself to any one famous, there are thousands, if not millions, of people who are way more qualified to things for other people than I am, people who genuinely make differences in other peoples lives, but what I would like to do though is my part in making the world I live in a better place, feel like I have done something that means something to someone other than me, simply because I believe that it is the right thing for me to do.
This was reinforced last night when I was watching T.V and there was a family on the news who had two children, the first was diagnosed with type one diabetes, requiring him to injected himself regularly throughout each day with what ever it is they inject themselves with, at a young age, and at some point he admitted he felt hard done by, that it wasn’t fair, that was of course until his brother was found to have a rare form of cancer that they thought would be easily treated, which ultimately wasn’t, and he filled a large jar with well over one thousand of the various beads that patients receive for their treatments, before it eventually took his life just after his seventeenth birthday, and his brother was now ‘inspired’ to live each day to its fullest, whilst his parents stating that there was no cause for the illnesses, that their boys, like so many other people, were just unlucky.
In case anyone has missed the point of all this, I know how lucky I am, regardless of what has happened to me, because it is not about what I can get, its about what I can give.
Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!
.K
PS. If you guys get a few minutes please check out the website I have been working on, and offer advice, comments, or suggestions…
http://www.customvision.co.nz
The Weekly(ish) Update - Issue 0010
The Weekly(ish) Update
9th November 2009
Issue Ten
It’s not about the bike…
“It’s not about the bike” is the title of a book written by American Lance Armstrong, a cancer survivor and the multiple winner of the Tour de France cycle race, who set up his Livestrong foundation to raise awareness, money, and support for cancer patient’s, and his book simply tells of his journey through that.
Cancer is a cruel disease, it can not only paralyse the carrier’s quality of life, but all those around that person who see it’s effect on someone they care about, it can kill quickly, or slowly and painfully, it can be found in anyone, at any age, at any time.
Strangely, I actually consider myself lucky to have had my life touched by a number of people who have lost, and won, their battles with cancer, because it makes me very aware of how lucky I am to be who I am, who I am through what I have seen and done, who I am through what I have seen in so many other peoples lives.
I have been a lot of places in my life, met a lot of people, done a lot of things, and I know that the point I am at in my life right now is a result of the journey I have been on, a journey that has taken me through a variety of good, and bad, situations, a journey that continues in the direction I choose for myself, because I have so many options, unlike so many others who are trapped within their circumstance, and individual situations.
For me ‘the bike’ is simply stuff I acquire and have around me, the material things that come and go in life, things that mean less to me than other parts of my life, and even though over the years I have learnt that sometimes these things can seemingly make life more comfortable in some circumstances, that in other circumstances trying to acquire them, and acquire some of what other people seemingly have, actually makes life more difficult, when the reality should be that we all have the means to be as comfortable as the next person if we only looked inside ourselves, lived our own lives to the best of our ability, instead of looking to things outside of us to make us complete.
I know a lot of people who have a lot of ‘things’, and I know a lot of people who seemingly have almost no ‘things’, and amongst both groups of people I know some of these individuals to be truly great people, people I aspire to be more like not because of the ‘things’ that they have, but because of who they are.
I believe that at separate points in our lives we all arrive at various crossroads, difficult choices we all have to make ultimately define us, choices that with hindsight prove to be pivotal points in our lives, and unsurprisingly most of us take a path that is easiest to travel, regardless of the amount of ‘things’ in our lives, most of us choose to be as comfortable as possible.
Being completely honest I am no different, most of my life I have taken the easy options, I have done things in my life that looking back on I can now almost see what would have happened if I had chosen to take another action, made another decision, and with hindsight I realise that choices I made allowed so many others to follow, taking me on a journey that has seen me do a lot of ‘things’, but nothing significant.
Part of me actually thinks I have done more harm than good in other peoples lives, that by not making good choices and standing up for those who are less fortunate than myself, regardless of what I think of my own life, that I have not impacted the lives of those around me in a way that inspires others to do simular things in their lives, but part of me knows that this is the same for most of us, as demonstrated occasionally in various random events that allow us to individually show our humanity together.
My journey has lead me here, the words on this screen are from me to myself mostly, a reminder of who I am, or perhaps want to be, but like I said in the first issue they are written with the intention to share my journey with all of the people I care about, with the people who are, and have been, a part of my journey, with you.
I think that most people on ‘the list’ this is sent to do not actually read everything I write here, which I realise is mostly because I tend to write a lot and everyone these days is so busy with their own lives that a considerable amount of effort would be involved in taking the time to share this with me, some might not understand it, others might even think I’m too crazy give that time to, but the few who I think do read all of it are very special people, people who are a greater part of my life than perhaps I give them credit for, than actually I know I don’t give enough credit to.
This is the tenth issue of My Weekly(ish) Update, a bit of a milestone really considering I am not great at being consistent with anything other than being inconsistent with everything. I guess that was one of the main reasons this ended up being called the weekly “(ish)” update, and issue ten, apart from the issue one, is the first significant milestone to have been reached.
In issue one I talked about what it was like to be in Wellington, how hard it was to be staying at my adopted parents place again, how little money I was earning, how much I missed the people I would visit regularly around New Zealand, and how bad I was at generally maintaining relationships.
Not a lot has changed, but I have achieved a lot since that first issue where I decided I would start my own business, Custom Vision, and I have made so many decisions towards achieving what it is that I want to do on the next part of my journey.
Something that I am unhappy about though is the fact that I want to be doing more, and I am not. I am doing a lot in theory but there is a lot more that I could be doing, I only have three months left before I leave Wellington, and a lot of things that I need to complete before I leave, I need to be ready, I need to be prepared to do the things I have planned and not simply stumble upon them as I have been doing.
My main focus must be setting up my website, completing more of my photography diploma, planning and preparing for the cycle tour, earning some money to pay my bills, and creating a plan to work towards over the next year and beyond, because everything else is a distraction, there are things that I must do in the next three months or else everything simply will not work as I intend it to.
I already know I need to do more than I am doing at the moment, I know that to do what I need to do I must not take easy options, I must work towards what I want, and thankfully I already know that I will receive very little support physically, simply because that is how it is for me where I am at the moment, I know that no one else will help me do what I need to do but me, and to do everything I must do I need to do it on my own, simply knowing that there are people out there who care about me, people who do love and want the best for me, who would help me if they were able to, is what I must use to motivate me to do everything I need to do.
I have used many excuses in my life to not be who I want to be, who I really am, excuses that effect others around me in various, and often harmful, ways. Throughout my life I have chosen to allow my situation to dictate choices I made, to allow ‘things’ in my life to dictate who I am, knowing full well deep down somewhere inside me that what I was doing was ultimately wrong for both myself, and those around me.
Sometimes it is not easy being me, or trying to be a better me, because sometimes I don’t like who I am, or the things that happen in my life, but I don’t think it is meant to be easy, and sometimes I guess I need to remind myself that for me my life is about more than just the ‘things’ in my life, that for me it’s not about the bike… it’s about the journey, and I want to thank all of you for being a part of that with me.
Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!
.K
PS. I managed to get myself into the city the other night to take photos of the fireworks display, I have included couple of the better ones that were taken, I hope you like them as much as I enjoyed taking them.
9th November 2009
Issue Ten
It’s not about the bike…
“It’s not about the bike” is the title of a book written by American Lance Armstrong, a cancer survivor and the multiple winner of the Tour de France cycle race, who set up his Livestrong foundation to raise awareness, money, and support for cancer patient’s, and his book simply tells of his journey through that.
Cancer is a cruel disease, it can not only paralyse the carrier’s quality of life, but all those around that person who see it’s effect on someone they care about, it can kill quickly, or slowly and painfully, it can be found in anyone, at any age, at any time.
Strangely, I actually consider myself lucky to have had my life touched by a number of people who have lost, and won, their battles with cancer, because it makes me very aware of how lucky I am to be who I am, who I am through what I have seen and done, who I am through what I have seen in so many other peoples lives.
I have been a lot of places in my life, met a lot of people, done a lot of things, and I know that the point I am at in my life right now is a result of the journey I have been on, a journey that has taken me through a variety of good, and bad, situations, a journey that continues in the direction I choose for myself, because I have so many options, unlike so many others who are trapped within their circumstance, and individual situations.
For me ‘the bike’ is simply stuff I acquire and have around me, the material things that come and go in life, things that mean less to me than other parts of my life, and even though over the years I have learnt that sometimes these things can seemingly make life more comfortable in some circumstances, that in other circumstances trying to acquire them, and acquire some of what other people seemingly have, actually makes life more difficult, when the reality should be that we all have the means to be as comfortable as the next person if we only looked inside ourselves, lived our own lives to the best of our ability, instead of looking to things outside of us to make us complete.
I know a lot of people who have a lot of ‘things’, and I know a lot of people who seemingly have almost no ‘things’, and amongst both groups of people I know some of these individuals to be truly great people, people I aspire to be more like not because of the ‘things’ that they have, but because of who they are.
I believe that at separate points in our lives we all arrive at various crossroads, difficult choices we all have to make ultimately define us, choices that with hindsight prove to be pivotal points in our lives, and unsurprisingly most of us take a path that is easiest to travel, regardless of the amount of ‘things’ in our lives, most of us choose to be as comfortable as possible.
Being completely honest I am no different, most of my life I have taken the easy options, I have done things in my life that looking back on I can now almost see what would have happened if I had chosen to take another action, made another decision, and with hindsight I realise that choices I made allowed so many others to follow, taking me on a journey that has seen me do a lot of ‘things’, but nothing significant.
Part of me actually thinks I have done more harm than good in other peoples lives, that by not making good choices and standing up for those who are less fortunate than myself, regardless of what I think of my own life, that I have not impacted the lives of those around me in a way that inspires others to do simular things in their lives, but part of me knows that this is the same for most of us, as demonstrated occasionally in various random events that allow us to individually show our humanity together.
My journey has lead me here, the words on this screen are from me to myself mostly, a reminder of who I am, or perhaps want to be, but like I said in the first issue they are written with the intention to share my journey with all of the people I care about, with the people who are, and have been, a part of my journey, with you.
I think that most people on ‘the list’ this is sent to do not actually read everything I write here, which I realise is mostly because I tend to write a lot and everyone these days is so busy with their own lives that a considerable amount of effort would be involved in taking the time to share this with me, some might not understand it, others might even think I’m too crazy give that time to, but the few who I think do read all of it are very special people, people who are a greater part of my life than perhaps I give them credit for, than actually I know I don’t give enough credit to.
This is the tenth issue of My Weekly(ish) Update, a bit of a milestone really considering I am not great at being consistent with anything other than being inconsistent with everything. I guess that was one of the main reasons this ended up being called the weekly “(ish)” update, and issue ten, apart from the issue one, is the first significant milestone to have been reached.
In issue one I talked about what it was like to be in Wellington, how hard it was to be staying at my adopted parents place again, how little money I was earning, how much I missed the people I would visit regularly around New Zealand, and how bad I was at generally maintaining relationships.
Not a lot has changed, but I have achieved a lot since that first issue where I decided I would start my own business, Custom Vision, and I have made so many decisions towards achieving what it is that I want to do on the next part of my journey.
Something that I am unhappy about though is the fact that I want to be doing more, and I am not. I am doing a lot in theory but there is a lot more that I could be doing, I only have three months left before I leave Wellington, and a lot of things that I need to complete before I leave, I need to be ready, I need to be prepared to do the things I have planned and not simply stumble upon them as I have been doing.
My main focus must be setting up my website, completing more of my photography diploma, planning and preparing for the cycle tour, earning some money to pay my bills, and creating a plan to work towards over the next year and beyond, because everything else is a distraction, there are things that I must do in the next three months or else everything simply will not work as I intend it to.
I already know I need to do more than I am doing at the moment, I know that to do what I need to do I must not take easy options, I must work towards what I want, and thankfully I already know that I will receive very little support physically, simply because that is how it is for me where I am at the moment, I know that no one else will help me do what I need to do but me, and to do everything I must do I need to do it on my own, simply knowing that there are people out there who care about me, people who do love and want the best for me, who would help me if they were able to, is what I must use to motivate me to do everything I need to do.
I have used many excuses in my life to not be who I want to be, who I really am, excuses that effect others around me in various, and often harmful, ways. Throughout my life I have chosen to allow my situation to dictate choices I made, to allow ‘things’ in my life to dictate who I am, knowing full well deep down somewhere inside me that what I was doing was ultimately wrong for both myself, and those around me.
Sometimes it is not easy being me, or trying to be a better me, because sometimes I don’t like who I am, or the things that happen in my life, but I don’t think it is meant to be easy, and sometimes I guess I need to remind myself that for me my life is about more than just the ‘things’ in my life, that for me it’s not about the bike… it’s about the journey, and I want to thank all of you for being a part of that with me.
Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!
.K
PS. I managed to get myself into the city the other night to take photos of the fireworks display, I have included couple of the better ones that were taken, I hope you like them as much as I enjoyed taking them.
The Weekly(ish) Update - Issue 0009
The Weekly(ish) Update
17th October 2009
Issue Nine
All I can be is who I am…
As I briefly mentioned at the end of the last issue, I plan on cycling around New Zealand. At this stage the first part will take me from Wellington up the west coast of the North Island to Cape Reinga, at the top, the next part will then take me down the east coast back to Wellington, I will then cross over to the South Island and ride down the east coast, before the final part will take me up the west coast, which at the moment I am allowing a total of eighty days to complete the entire trip, which I will do to raise awareness for the start of my business, Custom Vision, and various children’s charities in New Zealand.
I would like to leave Wellington in February, so my goal now is to aim to be ready by the start of February, which will give me the option of leaving later in February if there are any hiccups, but at some point in February I will leave Wellington on my bike, prepared to cycle around New Zealand.
The first question I am expecting everyone to think of, or ask me, is “What made me think of doing it”? And to answer that completely I must first tell you that I have always wanted to do something memorable for other people, something that inspires people to something simular, to highlight that there are people willing to do things for other people, that just because we grow up in a world where people seemingly do so many things selfishly, trying to make their own lives better, in a world where a lot of ‘innocent’ people are hurt in the process, that there are still people who care about people.
I can remember when I was a young boy that I never typically wanted to be a doctor, or lawyer, when I grew up, that earning a lot of money never inspired me, I never really wanted to be anything other than who I was, and even though at times in my life I wished my life was different, I have never wanted to be anyone other than who I am.
In saying that I never really liked who I was until I stopped trying to be something I wasn’t, that until I accepted myself for being who I was regardless of how other people felt about me, and the happiest memories I have are from when I have done what I felt was right for me at a particular moment in my life, right or wrong, and stood on my own two feet.
In the world we live in today, sadly, money is the focus of so much, we are shown in so many ways that it is a major requirement to a good life, that in it’s accumulation we measure success, and judge harshly those without it, yet it is those who give of themselves for the benefit of others, regardless of their situation, who I consider the better people within our world today, those who I admire the most, because it takes a special person to give who they are for someone else, and it is those people I aspire to be more like, because it is those people who make our world a better place.
I am regularly reminded that we are all willing to show others our humanity, but unfortunately that humanity often comes from within tragedy, and one recent example of this is here in New Zealand when a young two year old girl went missing, and sadly her body was found in a drain almost a week later, after the police dug up the pipe she was found in on a hunch, as it had already been searched a few times, by various people, after thousands of people searched the neighbourhood for her, the thing that stood out for me though was how on the night her body was found hundreds of people sat outside her parents house, many with candles, most in tears, offering support to people they never met for their loss, simply letting them know that they cared.
A simular thing happened a few weeks earlier, in another part of the country, when a woman’s body was found under a house, next to the body of the wife of the guy who had murdered both woman, and on the night this womans body was removed from the house the local people gathered to offer support to the family of the murdered woman, again whom most had never met, in a gesture that can only be described as emotional for anyone who witnessed it, and I think this has been happening more and more all around the world, in a variety of situations, because we are all looking for ways we can improve the seemingly shitty world we live in, ways that mean more in our lives because we do something for others to show that their lives are important to all of us, because ultimately it is human nature to care about things other than ourselves, whether we allow ourselves to or not.
It is that part of me that has always wanted to do something for others, it is that part of me that has always wanted to write a book to share my journey to help others, to show that because I am only one person, that I am only who I am, I know I can not change the world on my own, but that I can inspire others who are smarter, and better equipped, to do what I can not do, because I know there are so many people out there who like me want to make a difference, who want to do their part, and I know is that by doing my part others may be inspired to do theirs, because I have been inspired by so many before me.
The actual idea for my trip came from a woman in Wellington recently, who on her sixtieth birthday jogged sixty kilometres, and when I saw this on the news that night I started to think about how if she could jog that far in a day, at her age, then surely I could ride my bike that far in a day, regardless of how fit I was, and if I focused even just a little bit I would certianly be able to do it a lot quicker than someone jogging.
At some point soon after that I was reminded of New Zealand Cricketer, Chris Cairns, whose sister Louise was killed in a level crossing accident that involved a train and truck, Chris walked from Auckland to Christchurch in thirty five days, to raise awareness for rail safety, and I thought to myself that if he could do that, then surely if I was on a bike I could get a lot further, surely I could get around all of New Zealand with a little more effort, in a little more time.
And almost everyone reading this must have heard of the book ‘Around the World in Eighty Days’ written by Jules Verne in the late 1800s, the story of Phileas Fogg and his valet, Passepartout, who race around the world in a balloon as part of a bet, in one of the worlds best known, and all time classic, adventure stories, a story I recently discovered has been used as the basis of a relay race this year by a group of celebrities in the U.K, to raise awareness for children’s charities, in the annual ‘BBC Children in Need’ appeal.
As there is no way I can afford to race around the world, combining the three previous points, the logical conclusion I came upon was to cycle ‘Around New Zealand in Eighty Days’ to raise awareness for the various children’s charities in New Zealand, including Canteen, Make A Wish, StarJam, Childfund, and Starship, plus launch awareness of Custom Vision, and my plan to assist the children of New Zealand with the sale of limited edition New Zealand images, including postcards, larger prints, and a uniquely New Zealand calendar, in my new bussiness.
So in mid November I will begin to raise awareness of my plan, try contacting a radio station, and maybe a T.V channel or T.V program, and see if I can get myself sponsored in some way, shape or form, but even if I leave Wellington in February on my own, with no support, I will be going, I will tell people along the way what I am doing, why I am doing it, and collect names and addresses of people interested my products along the way.
At the very least get a bit of exercise, take some nice photos, and see some more of New Zealand.
Once this adventure is completed I have a few options, one is to rent the unused space at the back of my birth fathers building (or if that has been rented out by then somewhere else), that I can start a small business from, somewhere I can put effort into making it grow, which would include setting up a shop, internet sales, local markets, tourist hot spots, cruise ships, and major events where I can maximise exposure, and expand at a sensible rate.
Another thing I have thought about doing one day is eventually opening a combined gallery and café, something that combines great quality food and a place to display my photography, somewhere unique that people tell their friends about, somewhere friendly, comfortable, and memorable, somewhere different that is definitively New Zealand.
I have travelled a lot around New Zealand, and eaten in many types of places, as I like good food, and good service, but there very few places I would I go out of my way to eat in again, the few I would go out of my way to get to, I would do so simply because they do what they do very well, and that is something I would like to be a part of, by putting a select few people into the position of being able to do something with food that they love, or perhaps down the track food maybe something I would like to learn to do more with myself, something that allows me to promote New Zealand, and my photography, at the same time.
There are a lot of things I would like to do, recently my health has been effected by pain associated with tearing a tendon or nerve in my back, pain that limited what I was able to do for a period of time that has meant I now have to juggle a few of the things I had planned to do, for now it is a case of prioritising what I want to do, with what I actually need to do, and for me that now means one of the photo competitions I had planned entering will now have to wait until next year, simply because if I do concentrate on that entry I will have to take time away from two things that are more important at this moment, my completion of the photography diploma I began at the start of the year, and getting a series of postcards ready to sell within the next few weeks so I am able to develop further options as soon as possible.
Another set back I have had recently is the printing of the postcards is taking a lot longer than expected, and that in turn has effected where I am with the other projects I have been working on, so rather than submit an entry into a competition that requires one hundred percent, when I can not give it that, I have decided to focus on doing what I need to do first.
…I don’t know where I will end up, or what will happen along the way, I just know that no matter what I do in my life that I want to be all that I can be, and even though I still don’t want to be a doctor or a lawyer, I still want to be who I am, whether people like me or not, because that is who I am meant to be.
Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!
.K
PS. To everyone having a birthday this month – “Happy birthday to us.. Happy birthday to us.. "
17th October 2009
Issue Nine
All I can be is who I am…
As I briefly mentioned at the end of the last issue, I plan on cycling around New Zealand. At this stage the first part will take me from Wellington up the west coast of the North Island to Cape Reinga, at the top, the next part will then take me down the east coast back to Wellington, I will then cross over to the South Island and ride down the east coast, before the final part will take me up the west coast, which at the moment I am allowing a total of eighty days to complete the entire trip, which I will do to raise awareness for the start of my business, Custom Vision, and various children’s charities in New Zealand.
I would like to leave Wellington in February, so my goal now is to aim to be ready by the start of February, which will give me the option of leaving later in February if there are any hiccups, but at some point in February I will leave Wellington on my bike, prepared to cycle around New Zealand.
The first question I am expecting everyone to think of, or ask me, is “What made me think of doing it”? And to answer that completely I must first tell you that I have always wanted to do something memorable for other people, something that inspires people to something simular, to highlight that there are people willing to do things for other people, that just because we grow up in a world where people seemingly do so many things selfishly, trying to make their own lives better, in a world where a lot of ‘innocent’ people are hurt in the process, that there are still people who care about people.
I can remember when I was a young boy that I never typically wanted to be a doctor, or lawyer, when I grew up, that earning a lot of money never inspired me, I never really wanted to be anything other than who I was, and even though at times in my life I wished my life was different, I have never wanted to be anyone other than who I am.
In saying that I never really liked who I was until I stopped trying to be something I wasn’t, that until I accepted myself for being who I was regardless of how other people felt about me, and the happiest memories I have are from when I have done what I felt was right for me at a particular moment in my life, right or wrong, and stood on my own two feet.
In the world we live in today, sadly, money is the focus of so much, we are shown in so many ways that it is a major requirement to a good life, that in it’s accumulation we measure success, and judge harshly those without it, yet it is those who give of themselves for the benefit of others, regardless of their situation, who I consider the better people within our world today, those who I admire the most, because it takes a special person to give who they are for someone else, and it is those people I aspire to be more like, because it is those people who make our world a better place.
I am regularly reminded that we are all willing to show others our humanity, but unfortunately that humanity often comes from within tragedy, and one recent example of this is here in New Zealand when a young two year old girl went missing, and sadly her body was found in a drain almost a week later, after the police dug up the pipe she was found in on a hunch, as it had already been searched a few times, by various people, after thousands of people searched the neighbourhood for her, the thing that stood out for me though was how on the night her body was found hundreds of people sat outside her parents house, many with candles, most in tears, offering support to people they never met for their loss, simply letting them know that they cared.
A simular thing happened a few weeks earlier, in another part of the country, when a woman’s body was found under a house, next to the body of the wife of the guy who had murdered both woman, and on the night this womans body was removed from the house the local people gathered to offer support to the family of the murdered woman, again whom most had never met, in a gesture that can only be described as emotional for anyone who witnessed it, and I think this has been happening more and more all around the world, in a variety of situations, because we are all looking for ways we can improve the seemingly shitty world we live in, ways that mean more in our lives because we do something for others to show that their lives are important to all of us, because ultimately it is human nature to care about things other than ourselves, whether we allow ourselves to or not.
It is that part of me that has always wanted to do something for others, it is that part of me that has always wanted to write a book to share my journey to help others, to show that because I am only one person, that I am only who I am, I know I can not change the world on my own, but that I can inspire others who are smarter, and better equipped, to do what I can not do, because I know there are so many people out there who like me want to make a difference, who want to do their part, and I know is that by doing my part others may be inspired to do theirs, because I have been inspired by so many before me.
The actual idea for my trip came from a woman in Wellington recently, who on her sixtieth birthday jogged sixty kilometres, and when I saw this on the news that night I started to think about how if she could jog that far in a day, at her age, then surely I could ride my bike that far in a day, regardless of how fit I was, and if I focused even just a little bit I would certianly be able to do it a lot quicker than someone jogging.
At some point soon after that I was reminded of New Zealand Cricketer, Chris Cairns, whose sister Louise was killed in a level crossing accident that involved a train and truck, Chris walked from Auckland to Christchurch in thirty five days, to raise awareness for rail safety, and I thought to myself that if he could do that, then surely if I was on a bike I could get a lot further, surely I could get around all of New Zealand with a little more effort, in a little more time.
And almost everyone reading this must have heard of the book ‘Around the World in Eighty Days’ written by Jules Verne in the late 1800s, the story of Phileas Fogg and his valet, Passepartout, who race around the world in a balloon as part of a bet, in one of the worlds best known, and all time classic, adventure stories, a story I recently discovered has been used as the basis of a relay race this year by a group of celebrities in the U.K, to raise awareness for children’s charities, in the annual ‘BBC Children in Need’ appeal.
As there is no way I can afford to race around the world, combining the three previous points, the logical conclusion I came upon was to cycle ‘Around New Zealand in Eighty Days’ to raise awareness for the various children’s charities in New Zealand, including Canteen, Make A Wish, StarJam, Childfund, and Starship, plus launch awareness of Custom Vision, and my plan to assist the children of New Zealand with the sale of limited edition New Zealand images, including postcards, larger prints, and a uniquely New Zealand calendar, in my new bussiness.
So in mid November I will begin to raise awareness of my plan, try contacting a radio station, and maybe a T.V channel or T.V program, and see if I can get myself sponsored in some way, shape or form, but even if I leave Wellington in February on my own, with no support, I will be going, I will tell people along the way what I am doing, why I am doing it, and collect names and addresses of people interested my products along the way.
At the very least get a bit of exercise, take some nice photos, and see some more of New Zealand.
Once this adventure is completed I have a few options, one is to rent the unused space at the back of my birth fathers building (or if that has been rented out by then somewhere else), that I can start a small business from, somewhere I can put effort into making it grow, which would include setting up a shop, internet sales, local markets, tourist hot spots, cruise ships, and major events where I can maximise exposure, and expand at a sensible rate.
Another thing I have thought about doing one day is eventually opening a combined gallery and café, something that combines great quality food and a place to display my photography, somewhere unique that people tell their friends about, somewhere friendly, comfortable, and memorable, somewhere different that is definitively New Zealand.
I have travelled a lot around New Zealand, and eaten in many types of places, as I like good food, and good service, but there very few places I would I go out of my way to eat in again, the few I would go out of my way to get to, I would do so simply because they do what they do very well, and that is something I would like to be a part of, by putting a select few people into the position of being able to do something with food that they love, or perhaps down the track food maybe something I would like to learn to do more with myself, something that allows me to promote New Zealand, and my photography, at the same time.
There are a lot of things I would like to do, recently my health has been effected by pain associated with tearing a tendon or nerve in my back, pain that limited what I was able to do for a period of time that has meant I now have to juggle a few of the things I had planned to do, for now it is a case of prioritising what I want to do, with what I actually need to do, and for me that now means one of the photo competitions I had planned entering will now have to wait until next year, simply because if I do concentrate on that entry I will have to take time away from two things that are more important at this moment, my completion of the photography diploma I began at the start of the year, and getting a series of postcards ready to sell within the next few weeks so I am able to develop further options as soon as possible.
Another set back I have had recently is the printing of the postcards is taking a lot longer than expected, and that in turn has effected where I am with the other projects I have been working on, so rather than submit an entry into a competition that requires one hundred percent, when I can not give it that, I have decided to focus on doing what I need to do first.
…I don’t know where I will end up, or what will happen along the way, I just know that no matter what I do in my life that I want to be all that I can be, and even though I still don’t want to be a doctor or a lawyer, I still want to be who I am, whether people like me or not, because that is who I am meant to be.
Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!
.K
PS. To everyone having a birthday this month – “Happy birthday to us.. Happy birthday to us.. "
The Weekly(ish) Update - Issue 0008
The Weekly(ish) Update
6th October 2009
Issue Eight
Life is about more than just me…
As I have mentioned I have been in heaps of pain the past few weeks, pain that has been so severe that I have been unable to do much else as I have not wanted to make it worse, or it has been so bad, that I have been unable to concentrate on doing anything other than try to get rid of the pain I have been feeling.
I felt as if I was on a bit of a roll prior to injuring myself, that I was making good progress towards setting up Custom Vision and achieving the goals I was setting for myself, but since I have been trying to get better one of the main things I have been thinking about is how much time I have wasted not doing what I want to be doing, and even though I know I need to look after myself and get healthier, I also know that what I want to do with Custom Vision will effect more people than just me.
I left New Zealand and went to Australia all those years ago because I knew that whatever I did there I would be okay, that after years of standing on my own two feet in a variety of situations that I would be able to do the same thing there, regardless of what happened, and even though I had some spectacular failures growing up in New Zealand, that life had a funny way of reminding me I would always have to be willing to learn, that I was ready for my next step.
I wasn’t ready to arrive and have everything stolen, but in some ways I guess you could say I was prepared for it, I knew I had to get a job, and I did even though it was 800kms from where I was, I knew I could get there, and I did even though I had no where to stay when I got there, but I worked it out, regardless of what happened I have always worked it out.
I have been in and out of so many peoples lives that at various points in my life I have actually stepped back and decided that I have not liked what I was doing to people, that it wasn’t fair on them that I would not remain a part of their lives so I it would be easier on them if I never became a part of peoples lives if I could help it, consciously giving to people but never accepting anything from anyone if I could help it, often at a huge cost to myself physically and emotionally, I have actually stopped living my life at various times because I believed that its effect was negative to others.
So many times I have experienced humanity in its various forms, life lessons that have shown me parts of myself that I perhaps would otherwise never have known had it not been for someone else showing me parts of who they are, who they really are, not knowing underneath everything I have been hiding from, that I have been looking at them and seen parts of myself.
Circumstances have allowed me to experience a vast variety of other peoples lives, to realise that what I want to do is possibly not what I have been doing, to learn that I am lucky enough through my life to have many choices that so many others don’t, choices that others do not know or are not in a position to see.
I have seen people around me make huge mistakes in their lives, I have made huge mistakes in my life, and yet I consider myself lucky enough to be able to grow from these parts of my life, instead, as many people I have met have done, become trapped by them.
I grew up quickly not because I wanted to or had to, I grew up quickly because it was part of my life, I saw things at a very young age that I hope no one ever sees, yet I am not so naïve to pretend that no one ever will see a version of those same events in their life, or worse, because part of my growing up has included acceptance of others and the simple fact that these things happen and what is important to me may not be important to anyone else but me, and vice versa, which is not to say everything really is unimportant, but instead that everything can be extremely important within a certain context to anyone of us.
I cherish moments, parts of life that are important to other people I try to look at as they see them, knowing I never can fully appreciate the single gesture within a moment that someone else takes the time to give to me, I instead just try in my own way to acknowledge that moment is shared, that it is that which is important to someone else is not unimportant to me.
I have shared many moments in my life, moments that involve a variety of people, in a variety of situations,
Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!
.K
6th October 2009
Issue Eight
Life is about more than just me…
As I have mentioned I have been in heaps of pain the past few weeks, pain that has been so severe that I have been unable to do much else as I have not wanted to make it worse, or it has been so bad, that I have been unable to concentrate on doing anything other than try to get rid of the pain I have been feeling.
I felt as if I was on a bit of a roll prior to injuring myself, that I was making good progress towards setting up Custom Vision and achieving the goals I was setting for myself, but since I have been trying to get better one of the main things I have been thinking about is how much time I have wasted not doing what I want to be doing, and even though I know I need to look after myself and get healthier, I also know that what I want to do with Custom Vision will effect more people than just me.
I left New Zealand and went to Australia all those years ago because I knew that whatever I did there I would be okay, that after years of standing on my own two feet in a variety of situations that I would be able to do the same thing there, regardless of what happened, and even though I had some spectacular failures growing up in New Zealand, that life had a funny way of reminding me I would always have to be willing to learn, that I was ready for my next step.
I wasn’t ready to arrive and have everything stolen, but in some ways I guess you could say I was prepared for it, I knew I had to get a job, and I did even though it was 800kms from where I was, I knew I could get there, and I did even though I had no where to stay when I got there, but I worked it out, regardless of what happened I have always worked it out.
I have been in and out of so many peoples lives that at various points in my life I have actually stepped back and decided that I have not liked what I was doing to people, that it wasn’t fair on them that I would not remain a part of their lives so I it would be easier on them if I never became a part of peoples lives if I could help it, consciously giving to people but never accepting anything from anyone if I could help it, often at a huge cost to myself physically and emotionally, I have actually stopped living my life at various times because I believed that its effect was negative to others.
So many times I have experienced humanity in its various forms, life lessons that have shown me parts of myself that I perhaps would otherwise never have known had it not been for someone else showing me parts of who they are, who they really are, not knowing underneath everything I have been hiding from, that I have been looking at them and seen parts of myself.
Circumstances have allowed me to experience a vast variety of other peoples lives, to realise that what I want to do is possibly not what I have been doing, to learn that I am lucky enough through my life to have many choices that so many others don’t, choices that others do not know or are not in a position to see.
I have seen people around me make huge mistakes in their lives, I have made huge mistakes in my life, and yet I consider myself lucky enough to be able to grow from these parts of my life, instead, as many people I have met have done, become trapped by them.
I grew up quickly not because I wanted to or had to, I grew up quickly because it was part of my life, I saw things at a very young age that I hope no one ever sees, yet I am not so naïve to pretend that no one ever will see a version of those same events in their life, or worse, because part of my growing up has included acceptance of others and the simple fact that these things happen and what is important to me may not be important to anyone else but me, and vice versa, which is not to say everything really is unimportant, but instead that everything can be extremely important within a certain context to anyone of us.
I cherish moments, parts of life that are important to other people I try to look at as they see them, knowing I never can fully appreciate the single gesture within a moment that someone else takes the time to give to me, I instead just try in my own way to acknowledge that moment is shared, that it is that which is important to someone else is not unimportant to me.
I have shared many moments in my life, moments that involve a variety of people, in a variety of situations,
Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!
.K
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