The Weekly(ish) Update
15th October 2012
Issue Twenty Four
Like a child I have crawled.. walked.. ran.. and fallen.. but I will get back up to carry on as planned..
I often wonder if everyone else has a life like mine.
If most people wake up each morning and don’t really feel anything about anyone or anything. I don’t dream. I close my eyes at night and wake up the next morning.
I stand under the shower slightly longer than necessary to wake up enough to remember something forgotten, find a towel, put on some clothes and look in the fridge knowing there is nothing in there, before walking out the door to go to work so I can earn enough money to pay a few bills at the end of each week.
A lot has happened over the past twelve months. Some great. Some not so great. And like most people I have learnt that my life is just that, my life. But I have also learnt that I am not happy just living a life. I want more. I want to be able to do more and to give more and no matter how much I try and distract or forget that part of me, I know that it is that part of me is the defining part of who I really am.
Some of you may have noticed that Issue Twenty Three is missing, only four of you received it as its content was about someone else, someone I had met who I fell in love with only to discover that she was not who she said she was.
I was too embarrassed to tell anyone I had shared so much of who I was with someone and became lost not knowing what to do when I discovered that she was using hard drugs heavily and lying to every one around her, including me, and even though it was my determination to do what was right for her, I too became lost within the situation that ultimately I had created.
I became very depressed. I isolated myself from everyone and started doing things again that I guess I chose to do because it was my default way of dealing with things. How I had always dealt with things. And I don’t blame anyone else for loosing my way again and getting caught up in myself all over again.
The past six months have been hard, very hard, mostly as I do not have any constant friends or any support where I am. I do not have anyone I can talk to so I have to work through ideas and thoughts on my own. I haven’t given up though. And that is why you are now reading these words.
After everything happened and I did all that I could do things settled down a little, I came up with a plan, an idea to move forward and do the things I wanted to do. It was a simple idea. A café/gallery that allowed me to continue what I had started with my photography. But after asking my birth father a couple of times if I could use some unused space in his building and not getting an answer, I abandoned the idea of doing that here and decided that I would like to ride around New Zealand again.
Since I have been here I have bought a few things to make my flat nice (Television, Stereo, Couch etc.) and I have decided that I have to sell these and use that money to pay for Cycle 4 Life 2. That when I am doing my next bike ride I will discover like I did the first time what I am going to do next, because I am now sure that I am not doing what I want to do here.
For the last year and a half I have been living in a flat above a pub trying to make a home for myself, and not once has anyone knocked on the door to see how I am. I have tried to help my birth father, and yet some what strangely only recently discovered no one here is helping me.
For the last year and a half I have been made fun of by people I work with because I actually care about the things that I do, yet I have stayed there because that was my life and I learnt to accept that was how things are, dealing with moments when they arose rather than the situation itself.
For the last year, I have been going to the Frankton market. I started with a table and chair, and eventually built my Photography Cart.
It was never about making money.
It was so I could continue to grow and do more than what I was doing before I got on my pushbike in Picton on the 1st of February 2010 and so that too eventually reached a point where it needed to grow and do more than what it was doing.
I have recently even thought about giving this away to someone who can do more than me, maybe to a local school or something, I will figure something out.
Now I am ready to get back up, dust myself off and do more than I have ever done before and if anyone wants to help they are welcome, but even if you don’t that is okay.
Live your life and I will live mine.
Like a child I have crawled.. walked.. ran.. and fallen.. but I will get back up to carry on as planned..
Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!
.K
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
The Weekly(ish) Update - Issue 0022
The Weekly(ish) Update
7th March 2011 - Issue Twenty Two
Life is all about learning..
I have had a real rollercoaster of a week. I started Custom Vision Photography thinking that effort equals reward, and I guess to a degree that this is true, but not in the way I originally had thought.
I finished working my factory job a couple of weeks ago and all my effort then focused on selling something to get my business up and running. I received a little bit of money when I finished my job and decided to spend that mostly on the things I needed to create products to sell.
First I got some timber to make the frames, then I got the brushes, string, pins, timber stain, and clear lacquer needed to finish the frames off so they are to a standard that I am happy with. I am actually really happy with the way that they look and the fact that I am able to reproduce the desired look as many times as I choose to quickly, now means I have a simple procedure that works and this sets a standard for the rest of the things I plan doing.
After sourcing some glass at an affordable price, and then discovering a place that gave me sheets of the board I need to cover the back of each image to protect it in its frame, I was able to create half a dozen complete items that I initially decided to sell for fifty dollars each, but after speaking with a few people and realising my market is rather limited by the economic situation New Zealand is in, both before and after the Christchurch earthquake, I lowered the price to forty dollars and officially put them out for sale.
I put a couple in my birth fathers bar downstairs, and four across the road on the wall of the hairdressers, all patiently waiting to be taken to their new home, where ever that may be.
I said ‘patiently waiting’ because I still have not sold any of my framed prints, so I thought I would add something else to my product range to increase the odds of a sale. One of my ideas was to do children’s portraits, to go to the child care centres and kindergartens in Hamilton and offer a low cost service to parents where the organisation receives a small donation from me in return for promoting my service, something I thought was a great idea.
I realised that I would have make specific flyers and deliver them myself, so that is exactly what I did. I created a flyer that promoted a special offer to launch Custom Vision.
On Tuesday night I created 200, delivered them to as many houses the next day as I could before running out, Wednesday night I created 300, delivering them to another group of houses (which included two child care facilities) the next day before running out, and Thursday night I created a mammoth 500+ flyers that I very nearly almost delivered all of before it rained heavily on Friday afternoon as I was posting them in peoples letter boxes, but I still managed to deliver well over one thousand flyers to potential customers.
The trouble was I didn’t get a single phone call for the effort I put in. I did realise that it is possible that some people may have looked at my website as a result, but this was not what I expected and my initial thought was this simply meant that I would need to do more than I had already done. I surprised myself by wanting to do even more, that I was actually prepared to deliver these silly bits of paper to every house in Hamilton if I had to, knowing that if I didn’t give up I eventually would be rewarded, and that’s a pretty big statement for someone in the position I have put myself in.
I have less than forty dollars in the bank. My rent is paid until the 20th of March but I do not have any food left in the cupboard and currently can not afford to get any more until I sell something (wether it be photography related or not) and I somehow need to put money into my bank account this week regardless so there is money there to pay my automatic payments that will cause more trouble if I don’t put money into the account, because it is actually easier to find the amount required that I don’t have now than have to still pay the money I owe plus all the fees charged on top of the missed payments later.
Not having sold anything, and more importantly not having any one interested in buying anything, quickly led me to the realisation that I might need to get alternative employment to supplement the lack of income from my new venture. I still have bills to pay. I still need to get food for myself, and soon I would have rent to pay. The realisation was I do not have any money left to support myself.
I got on the internet without really thinking about it and looked for a job. As I was doing this I kept thinking how easily I had given up, how disappointing it was that I had to alter my strategy and effectively take a step backwards, but the reality was this is what I think I need to do.
Its funny how life tests people, I’ve had a few in my life and I guess this is just another test.
I’m not sure if I passed or failed, I do know that I got the job I applied for and that should be confirmed by the time most of you read this. Ironically just after the phone call I received telling me to bring my banking details and tax number to a meeting with my new boss, I got another phone call from a lady who wants a portrait taken of her and her two children. I had to laugh.
I have set up Custom Vision Photography and as far as I am concerned it is now officially operating as a business, that part of my plan is complete. I have learnt a lot the last few weeks and one of the things I learnt was that I need to finance my business myself and to do that I need money, so I have had to get a job to do that. A new job is a step forward. This is simply the reality of my situation.
In starting Custom Vision Photography I have committed myself to making this business grow, because I still want to fulfil my desire to achieve something more from my life and help those who help young New Zealanders, I have had to get a job to fund this, and this simply allows me to continue what I want to do after discovering what it is that I need to do.
So, the plan is to get the other things I need to be a professional photographer, something that my new job will pay for. To then build up Custom Vision Photography’s client base after I finish work and on weekends so I hopefully reach a point where I can effectively run the business on its own and not need the extra employment to pay the bills. I have learnt a lot the past three weeks..
..life is all about learning.
Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!
.K
7th March 2011 - Issue Twenty Two
Life is all about learning..
I have had a real rollercoaster of a week. I started Custom Vision Photography thinking that effort equals reward, and I guess to a degree that this is true, but not in the way I originally had thought.
I finished working my factory job a couple of weeks ago and all my effort then focused on selling something to get my business up and running. I received a little bit of money when I finished my job and decided to spend that mostly on the things I needed to create products to sell.
First I got some timber to make the frames, then I got the brushes, string, pins, timber stain, and clear lacquer needed to finish the frames off so they are to a standard that I am happy with. I am actually really happy with the way that they look and the fact that I am able to reproduce the desired look as many times as I choose to quickly, now means I have a simple procedure that works and this sets a standard for the rest of the things I plan doing.
After sourcing some glass at an affordable price, and then discovering a place that gave me sheets of the board I need to cover the back of each image to protect it in its frame, I was able to create half a dozen complete items that I initially decided to sell for fifty dollars each, but after speaking with a few people and realising my market is rather limited by the economic situation New Zealand is in, both before and after the Christchurch earthquake, I lowered the price to forty dollars and officially put them out for sale.
I put a couple in my birth fathers bar downstairs, and four across the road on the wall of the hairdressers, all patiently waiting to be taken to their new home, where ever that may be.
I said ‘patiently waiting’ because I still have not sold any of my framed prints, so I thought I would add something else to my product range to increase the odds of a sale. One of my ideas was to do children’s portraits, to go to the child care centres and kindergartens in Hamilton and offer a low cost service to parents where the organisation receives a small donation from me in return for promoting my service, something I thought was a great idea.
I realised that I would have make specific flyers and deliver them myself, so that is exactly what I did. I created a flyer that promoted a special offer to launch Custom Vision.
On Tuesday night I created 200, delivered them to as many houses the next day as I could before running out, Wednesday night I created 300, delivering them to another group of houses (which included two child care facilities) the next day before running out, and Thursday night I created a mammoth 500+ flyers that I very nearly almost delivered all of before it rained heavily on Friday afternoon as I was posting them in peoples letter boxes, but I still managed to deliver well over one thousand flyers to potential customers.
The trouble was I didn’t get a single phone call for the effort I put in. I did realise that it is possible that some people may have looked at my website as a result, but this was not what I expected and my initial thought was this simply meant that I would need to do more than I had already done. I surprised myself by wanting to do even more, that I was actually prepared to deliver these silly bits of paper to every house in Hamilton if I had to, knowing that if I didn’t give up I eventually would be rewarded, and that’s a pretty big statement for someone in the position I have put myself in.
I have less than forty dollars in the bank. My rent is paid until the 20th of March but I do not have any food left in the cupboard and currently can not afford to get any more until I sell something (wether it be photography related or not) and I somehow need to put money into my bank account this week regardless so there is money there to pay my automatic payments that will cause more trouble if I don’t put money into the account, because it is actually easier to find the amount required that I don’t have now than have to still pay the money I owe plus all the fees charged on top of the missed payments later.
Not having sold anything, and more importantly not having any one interested in buying anything, quickly led me to the realisation that I might need to get alternative employment to supplement the lack of income from my new venture. I still have bills to pay. I still need to get food for myself, and soon I would have rent to pay. The realisation was I do not have any money left to support myself.
I got on the internet without really thinking about it and looked for a job. As I was doing this I kept thinking how easily I had given up, how disappointing it was that I had to alter my strategy and effectively take a step backwards, but the reality was this is what I think I need to do.
Its funny how life tests people, I’ve had a few in my life and I guess this is just another test.
I’m not sure if I passed or failed, I do know that I got the job I applied for and that should be confirmed by the time most of you read this. Ironically just after the phone call I received telling me to bring my banking details and tax number to a meeting with my new boss, I got another phone call from a lady who wants a portrait taken of her and her two children. I had to laugh.
I have set up Custom Vision Photography and as far as I am concerned it is now officially operating as a business, that part of my plan is complete. I have learnt a lot the last few weeks and one of the things I learnt was that I need to finance my business myself and to do that I need money, so I have had to get a job to do that. A new job is a step forward. This is simply the reality of my situation.
In starting Custom Vision Photography I have committed myself to making this business grow, because I still want to fulfil my desire to achieve something more from my life and help those who help young New Zealanders, I have had to get a job to fund this, and this simply allows me to continue what I want to do after discovering what it is that I need to do.
So, the plan is to get the other things I need to be a professional photographer, something that my new job will pay for. To then build up Custom Vision Photography’s client base after I finish work and on weekends so I hopefully reach a point where I can effectively run the business on its own and not need the extra employment to pay the bills. I have learnt a lot the past three weeks..
..life is all about learning.
Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!
.K
Monday, February 28, 2011
The Weekly(ish) Update - Issue 0021
The Weekly(ish) Update
26th February 2011 - Issue Twenty One
The only thing I am afraid of is not being who I really am..
If I was to be completely honest I’d admit I am a little nervous about what I about to do. I am actually more nervous now than I was before I started my bike ride, and possibly any other time in my entire life.
First I have some explaining to do. It has been awhile since my last update was sent, and I apoligise for not keeping in contact with everyone. I guess if you are reading this now then you have probably just been sent the last three updates all at once. Why? Well lets just say that after I arrived in Hamilton I quickly became isolated from everything I planned doing living on my own, and it has taken me awhile to get use to the fact that I am again on my own, and I to various degrees isolated myself even further because I was afraid to admit I am unsure about what I am going to do.
I officially started Custom Vision Photography on the 11.02.2011 simply because I liked that it was one of those dates where it looks like there is a mirror in the middle of it, a bit like when I started Cycle for Life (01.02.2010) and have set myself up at the moment in a garage at the back of my birth fathers pub in Hamilton. I have quit my job and am trying to do this full time not yet having sold a single photo, and with only one hundred dollars left in the bank.
I have this past week updated my website, and created the first framed photos ready for sale should anyone wish to buy something I have created, and I am as ready as I will ever be to do this praying that this is the right choice for me moving forward.
Yes, I did go to church, but just once, and being completely honest I was a little uncomfortable with the modern twist put on by the group I visited that day, so never went back, something that nags my mind every Sunday morning if I am awake before 10am because I kind of feel I gave up too quickly, that I never kept promises made and this is something that does not sit too well with me after everything I have been through, because regardless of what anyone else thinks I still believe what I believe, and finding the confidence to do what I need to do in my life will never be fulfilled completely until I find a way to renew my faith, and this means going back to church regularly.
I have stopped looking for someone else to share my life with and am concentrating on maintaining the relationships I have, I haven’t given up, I’ve just stopped looking.
I worked out the other day it has been over ten years since my last relationship, its so long in fact that I have actually forgotten what it is like to be with someone, but at least no one complains when I leave the toilet seat up or grind my teeth in my sleep, and as much as I try arguing with myself it usually ends when I get distracted by something else, instead of someone else. But of course I miss the feeling of being cared about by someone, because I am not always my own best friend, and it is very hard to always be encouraging to yourself, especially when you have doubts.
Somewhere out there is a beautiful young woman perfect for me.. but for now my focus must be on what I need to do, and that is to get my business to a point where I actually sell something, then from there to a point where I can do that regularly, and thus can do what I want to do, which is to ultimately raise awareness for children’s charities all over New Zealand on a level I am no where near achieving at the moment.
Today was the first day I tried to sell some photos and not one person I spoke to was interested in actually buying anything. A few people offered opinions on what they thought I should do, and some of the advice I received was actually very good. If I was in a better financial position to follow some of the advice given I would do what was suggested and be well on the road to success, but the fact is I’m not so here I am.. nervous.
But the weird thing is I haven’t given up, if anything I am more determined than ever to succeed, I just don’t know how I am going to do this. I do know that I am trying harder than ever to figure it out though.
There is a small part of me I guess that thought I would just be able to make some effort and that effort would be rewarded with results, immediate results that would allow me to grow what I had begun instantly and the simple fact is that is not realistic. I need to make a consistent effort. To keep trying and slowly build on what I have begun.
When I started my bike ride I had no idea what I was doing, absolutely none. It was a huge adventure that started because of an idea I had, but from that idea my adventure grew into what we all now know as the single greatest achievement of my life so far. I learnt as I went, never gave up, and in the end completed my goal as planned. My photography business is no different.
I need to not give up no matter how hard things get, I need to keep going and work towards achieving what it is that I want to do. Which brings me to a point I probably need to figure out sooner, rather than later.. what is it that I really want to do?
Obviously I want to use my photography to start a small business that makes money. I have bills to pay so it needs to earn enough money to pay my bills. I would like to be in a position in a few years time to buy a bit of land somewhere nice, and eventually build a house there.
I have goals. I have never really wanted to travel overseas, but I would love to one day be able to go to some of the world’s premier motor races like Bathurst, Le Mans, Indianapolis, Monaco, and a few others. But they are all things I would like to do, not what I really want to do. I guess what I really want to do is do something important that means something to someone other than me. Something important that’s not all about me, because I have reached a point in my life where my life is no longer about what I can get from others. I am owed nothing by anyone else, my life has reached the point where I want to give to others and make the world I live in a better place. It is now about what I can give, not what I can get, and what I want to do is give of myself so that others can live a better life. This is what I really want to do.
I do not have a car, and one of the things that was suggested to me was that I should sell my photos at the market here in Hamilton on Saturday, and at one of the better Auckland markets in Takapuna on Sunday, but as good as this idea is, I simply can not do either of these things until I sell a few things to get more stock, and then a vehicle. So this is what I need to work towards.
I am unsure if what I am doing is the right way to do it, or even if I have made the right choice for me to get there because I quit a job that paid money, I need money to do the things I want to do, but it is the choice I made and what I am doing, so the best thing to do is actually get out there and do it.
Before I go I would like to take a moment to thank all of you for putting up with me and these updates, especially those of you who have enquired about how I am or what I am doing over the past few months, your support has been (for lack of a better word) inspirational. I hate using Facebook, but looking through some of the messages and photos, remembering some of the moments shared, has kept me facing forward and wanting to continue an adventure that has seen many crossroads recently, and for those of you who have reminded me you care by txt, email, Facebook, or simply reading these words, I thank you all sincerely..
..because the only thing I am afraid of is not being who I really am.
Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!
.K
PS. I have updated my website www.customvision.co.nz and would love to hear your opinions on its content. For anyone interested in seeing items I have for sale you can go to www.trademe.co.nz and search for ‘handmade NZ framed photo”. And for anyone who wishes to donate to the earthquake victims of Christchurch you can go HERE - http://christchurchearthquakeappeal.govt.nz/
26th February 2011 - Issue Twenty One
The only thing I am afraid of is not being who I really am..
If I was to be completely honest I’d admit I am a little nervous about what I about to do. I am actually more nervous now than I was before I started my bike ride, and possibly any other time in my entire life.
First I have some explaining to do. It has been awhile since my last update was sent, and I apoligise for not keeping in contact with everyone. I guess if you are reading this now then you have probably just been sent the last three updates all at once. Why? Well lets just say that after I arrived in Hamilton I quickly became isolated from everything I planned doing living on my own, and it has taken me awhile to get use to the fact that I am again on my own, and I to various degrees isolated myself even further because I was afraid to admit I am unsure about what I am going to do.
I officially started Custom Vision Photography on the 11.02.2011 simply because I liked that it was one of those dates where it looks like there is a mirror in the middle of it, a bit like when I started Cycle for Life (01.02.2010) and have set myself up at the moment in a garage at the back of my birth fathers pub in Hamilton. I have quit my job and am trying to do this full time not yet having sold a single photo, and with only one hundred dollars left in the bank.
I have this past week updated my website, and created the first framed photos ready for sale should anyone wish to buy something I have created, and I am as ready as I will ever be to do this praying that this is the right choice for me moving forward.
Yes, I did go to church, but just once, and being completely honest I was a little uncomfortable with the modern twist put on by the group I visited that day, so never went back, something that nags my mind every Sunday morning if I am awake before 10am because I kind of feel I gave up too quickly, that I never kept promises made and this is something that does not sit too well with me after everything I have been through, because regardless of what anyone else thinks I still believe what I believe, and finding the confidence to do what I need to do in my life will never be fulfilled completely until I find a way to renew my faith, and this means going back to church regularly.
I have stopped looking for someone else to share my life with and am concentrating on maintaining the relationships I have, I haven’t given up, I’ve just stopped looking.
I worked out the other day it has been over ten years since my last relationship, its so long in fact that I have actually forgotten what it is like to be with someone, but at least no one complains when I leave the toilet seat up or grind my teeth in my sleep, and as much as I try arguing with myself it usually ends when I get distracted by something else, instead of someone else. But of course I miss the feeling of being cared about by someone, because I am not always my own best friend, and it is very hard to always be encouraging to yourself, especially when you have doubts.
Somewhere out there is a beautiful young woman perfect for me.. but for now my focus must be on what I need to do, and that is to get my business to a point where I actually sell something, then from there to a point where I can do that regularly, and thus can do what I want to do, which is to ultimately raise awareness for children’s charities all over New Zealand on a level I am no where near achieving at the moment.
Today was the first day I tried to sell some photos and not one person I spoke to was interested in actually buying anything. A few people offered opinions on what they thought I should do, and some of the advice I received was actually very good. If I was in a better financial position to follow some of the advice given I would do what was suggested and be well on the road to success, but the fact is I’m not so here I am.. nervous.
But the weird thing is I haven’t given up, if anything I am more determined than ever to succeed, I just don’t know how I am going to do this. I do know that I am trying harder than ever to figure it out though.
There is a small part of me I guess that thought I would just be able to make some effort and that effort would be rewarded with results, immediate results that would allow me to grow what I had begun instantly and the simple fact is that is not realistic. I need to make a consistent effort. To keep trying and slowly build on what I have begun.
When I started my bike ride I had no idea what I was doing, absolutely none. It was a huge adventure that started because of an idea I had, but from that idea my adventure grew into what we all now know as the single greatest achievement of my life so far. I learnt as I went, never gave up, and in the end completed my goal as planned. My photography business is no different.
I need to not give up no matter how hard things get, I need to keep going and work towards achieving what it is that I want to do. Which brings me to a point I probably need to figure out sooner, rather than later.. what is it that I really want to do?
Obviously I want to use my photography to start a small business that makes money. I have bills to pay so it needs to earn enough money to pay my bills. I would like to be in a position in a few years time to buy a bit of land somewhere nice, and eventually build a house there.
I have goals. I have never really wanted to travel overseas, but I would love to one day be able to go to some of the world’s premier motor races like Bathurst, Le Mans, Indianapolis, Monaco, and a few others. But they are all things I would like to do, not what I really want to do. I guess what I really want to do is do something important that means something to someone other than me. Something important that’s not all about me, because I have reached a point in my life where my life is no longer about what I can get from others. I am owed nothing by anyone else, my life has reached the point where I want to give to others and make the world I live in a better place. It is now about what I can give, not what I can get, and what I want to do is give of myself so that others can live a better life. This is what I really want to do.
I do not have a car, and one of the things that was suggested to me was that I should sell my photos at the market here in Hamilton on Saturday, and at one of the better Auckland markets in Takapuna on Sunday, but as good as this idea is, I simply can not do either of these things until I sell a few things to get more stock, and then a vehicle. So this is what I need to work towards.
I am unsure if what I am doing is the right way to do it, or even if I have made the right choice for me to get there because I quit a job that paid money, I need money to do the things I want to do, but it is the choice I made and what I am doing, so the best thing to do is actually get out there and do it.
Before I go I would like to take a moment to thank all of you for putting up with me and these updates, especially those of you who have enquired about how I am or what I am doing over the past few months, your support has been (for lack of a better word) inspirational. I hate using Facebook, but looking through some of the messages and photos, remembering some of the moments shared, has kept me facing forward and wanting to continue an adventure that has seen many crossroads recently, and for those of you who have reminded me you care by txt, email, Facebook, or simply reading these words, I thank you all sincerely..
..because the only thing I am afraid of is not being who I really am.
Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!
.K
PS. I have updated my website www.customvision.co.nz and would love to hear your opinions on its content. For anyone interested in seeing items I have for sale you can go to www.trademe.co.nz and search for ‘handmade NZ framed photo”. And for anyone who wishes to donate to the earthquake victims of Christchurch you can go HERE - http://christchurchearthquakeappeal.govt.nz/
The Weekly(ish) Update - Issue 0020
The Weekly(ish) Update
15th October 2010 - Issue Twenty
Heads or tails???...
“Happy Birthday to me… Happy Birthday to me.. Happy Birthday dear Karlyn.. Happy Birthday to me”
I didn’t send the last update and I’m not in a very good place right now. Things are not how I want them to be. Sometimes it seems like they never will be. I am not really sure what to say. Does anyone really care? And the worst part is I know that these phases are a part of me, a part of who I am, they are things that I in theory control, which makes it even harder to ignore.
I have basically locked myself away from the world, no one ever visits and I put on ‘my mask’ whenever I go to work, or outside. I am not doing anything overly productive and every day that passes me by I feel less and less likely too, and it is entirely my own fault.
I miss driving my orange bus around NZ, meeting new people and having fun, I miss the challenge of pushing my bike up hills and free-wheeling down the other side once I make it to the top, unsure what is on the other side. I miss my friends in Australia, my family here in New Zealand, having someone to hold, and I really miss what it feels like when I am ‘me’, because at the moment I’m not ‘me’, I’m not happy and it is entirely my own fault.
I’ve done a few things recently that I am not very proud of, I have not continued to do what I wanted to do, instead falling victim to the day to day routine that has become my life, I have started smoking again, hurting myself from the inside out, and even just knowing I am doing this again causes me more harm, because I know I shouldn’t.
I am my own worst enemy. I have never really liked my birthday. Christmas and New Years Eve are the same. I have had a few memorable ones, some good, some bad. Mostly the bad ones are the same. I spend the day by myself doing nothing, wanting someone else to make the day different, and it never is because I do not do anything to make these days different, it rarely is any more than just another day.
There have been a few that stand out though, like my first birthday together with my birth mother and birth father when I was thirty three, Christmas day two years ago when I hired a car and spent some of the day with all three sides of my family for the first time. Watching the New Years Eve fireworks from the top of the tower at Government House in Melbourne, and the birthday I spent with the Steven’s family, all amongst them.
People often tell me that birthdays and Christmases are for children, I disagree. I think birthdays and Christmases are two days of the year that we all deserve to feel special, that no matter who we are, where we are, or how old we are, that our birthday is a day that people remind us that they are glad we are a part of their lives, and that on Christmas we all remind each other how important they are, because otherwise only some of us get to feel important, which is unfair, because we all are.
Sometimes life is about luck, sometimes it depends on where you are born, the wealth of your family, or colour of your skin, sometimes we are born healthy, sometimes we are not, sometimes we live happily ever after, sometimes tragedy strikes, and at the centre of our world is each of us. Our lives are as important to each of us as the next person, regardless of where, how, who, what, or why.
I don’t know why I care about any or all of this, I just know that my life has led me here, and at the moment I am not very proud of the choices I am making…
…heads or tails???
Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!
.K
15th October 2010 - Issue Twenty
Heads or tails???...
“Happy Birthday to me… Happy Birthday to me.. Happy Birthday dear Karlyn.. Happy Birthday to me”
I didn’t send the last update and I’m not in a very good place right now. Things are not how I want them to be. Sometimes it seems like they never will be. I am not really sure what to say. Does anyone really care? And the worst part is I know that these phases are a part of me, a part of who I am, they are things that I in theory control, which makes it even harder to ignore.
I have basically locked myself away from the world, no one ever visits and I put on ‘my mask’ whenever I go to work, or outside. I am not doing anything overly productive and every day that passes me by I feel less and less likely too, and it is entirely my own fault.
I miss driving my orange bus around NZ, meeting new people and having fun, I miss the challenge of pushing my bike up hills and free-wheeling down the other side once I make it to the top, unsure what is on the other side. I miss my friends in Australia, my family here in New Zealand, having someone to hold, and I really miss what it feels like when I am ‘me’, because at the moment I’m not ‘me’, I’m not happy and it is entirely my own fault.
I’ve done a few things recently that I am not very proud of, I have not continued to do what I wanted to do, instead falling victim to the day to day routine that has become my life, I have started smoking again, hurting myself from the inside out, and even just knowing I am doing this again causes me more harm, because I know I shouldn’t.
I am my own worst enemy. I have never really liked my birthday. Christmas and New Years Eve are the same. I have had a few memorable ones, some good, some bad. Mostly the bad ones are the same. I spend the day by myself doing nothing, wanting someone else to make the day different, and it never is because I do not do anything to make these days different, it rarely is any more than just another day.
There have been a few that stand out though, like my first birthday together with my birth mother and birth father when I was thirty three, Christmas day two years ago when I hired a car and spent some of the day with all three sides of my family for the first time. Watching the New Years Eve fireworks from the top of the tower at Government House in Melbourne, and the birthday I spent with the Steven’s family, all amongst them.
People often tell me that birthdays and Christmases are for children, I disagree. I think birthdays and Christmases are two days of the year that we all deserve to feel special, that no matter who we are, where we are, or how old we are, that our birthday is a day that people remind us that they are glad we are a part of their lives, and that on Christmas we all remind each other how important they are, because otherwise only some of us get to feel important, which is unfair, because we all are.
Sometimes life is about luck, sometimes it depends on where you are born, the wealth of your family, or colour of your skin, sometimes we are born healthy, sometimes we are not, sometimes we live happily ever after, sometimes tragedy strikes, and at the centre of our world is each of us. Our lives are as important to each of us as the next person, regardless of where, how, who, what, or why.
I don’t know why I care about any or all of this, I just know that my life has led me here, and at the moment I am not very proud of the choices I am making…
…heads or tails???
Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!
.K
The Weekly(ish) Update - Issue 0019
The Weekly(ish) Update
12th September 2010 - Issue Nineteen
Sometimes we need to remember just how lucky we really are…
This past week I have tied myself up in knots over and over again because things have seemingly not been going to plan, things have not moved towards where I want them to be as quickly as I want them to, and in a variety of situations I feel I have let myself down by not achieving everything that I have planned to do already. I think I need a break to get myself back together.
After having achieved such a huge goal when I completed cycling around New Zealand on my own, there is now a feeling that I want to achieve more in my life, to do more than I have been doing, than I am doing, and it is that feeling that I guess you could say that I am struggling to conquer. There is a huge part of me that now believes I can do so much, and because I have not yet achieved anything more than I set out to do, no reward I guess you could say, that part of me is restless.
I have learnt that even though it is ok to be who I am, life sometimes have a way of taking us places we need go.. My life at the moment is telling me I need to step back and look where I am, to truly see where I want to be.. What’s the worst that could happen?
As you get older you’ve learnt the hard way right and wrong, when you are younger, or haven’t learnt the hard way, you don’t grasp the concept of reactions to your actions, and the results of which are often defining moments in our lives.
A very long time ago one of my nephew’s was given a hand made necklace by my birth mother around the time he was born. The necklace was given to him to look after until I returned to New Zealand to collect it, and today I want to share with you just part of the journey that I travelled before I came back to collect that very special gift.
As most of you know I was adopted, and for a variety of reasons as I grew up I rebelled against everything that had the potential to hurt me, mostly because I didn’t know any different, but also because it was more fun at the time. I certainly didn’t mean to hurt anyone.
It was suggested to me that I should look for my birth parents, that in finding them I would unlock parts of myself that I had not yet discovered. I did not realise how true this would be until now. I was 18 I looked for, and a couple of years later found, my birth mother, and even though initially the relationship was ‘perfect’, like everything else in my life I quickly rebelled against who I was, lost who I perhaps could have become, and eventually this caused us both to move away from who we wanted each other to be, and even though this lead me to separately meet my birth father almost a year later, everything in my life to that point simply inspired me to leave New Zealand.
I got as far away from New Zealand as I could get with the resources I had, but at the same time this took me to Perth, in Western Australia, where my ex girlfriend had gone to be with her mother a year earlier when I had left her to go live with my birth mother, and I guess if I was being completely honest I was hoping we might get back together, but within 24 hours of being there everything changed when I had everything stolen, and was told by my ex that she was engaged, and pregnant to someone she had met there. All of which ultimately caused me to quickly loose contact with everyone I had known when the path I had chosen now led me on a journey that took me in, and again out, of so many other peoples lives, in a variety of situations, over many years, as I struggled to find my feet again, all over Australia.
Meanwhile back in New Zealand unbeknown to me, my birth mother has commissioned a lady to hand make a necklace from silver, the centre piece of which is a hand made silhouetted angel in an open box that hangs from the middle of the chain. She then gives this necklace to my nephew ‘to look after’ until his uncle returns to collect get it, something that happened about eleven years later, which is another story in itself. I assume that during this time the necklace became as much a part of his life, gathering more meaning as the years went by and he got older, as it was to eventually mean in mine when I was given it well over ten years later when I returned to New Zealand to re new, and in some ways complete, the journey/relationship I had started with my birth family, something that I was lucky enough to be able to do with what was in my life to date a minimum effort, and only small sacrifice, on my part.
The point I am trying to make is we all have our own journey, that this journey takes us places we do not always intend going, but it what we do when we get there that defines us and allows us to take our next step. For me I believe I need to step back, get myself back on my feet again and appreciate the last part of my journey before I start the next one.
I sit here looking at the necklace I so proudly wear around my wrist and see each link as a part of my life, and even though I am possibly the tarnished angel in the middle linking it all together, I wouldn’t want to be anyone else..
…sometimes we need to remember just how lucky we really are.
Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!
.K
12th September 2010 - Issue Nineteen
Sometimes we need to remember just how lucky we really are…
This past week I have tied myself up in knots over and over again because things have seemingly not been going to plan, things have not moved towards where I want them to be as quickly as I want them to, and in a variety of situations I feel I have let myself down by not achieving everything that I have planned to do already. I think I need a break to get myself back together.
After having achieved such a huge goal when I completed cycling around New Zealand on my own, there is now a feeling that I want to achieve more in my life, to do more than I have been doing, than I am doing, and it is that feeling that I guess you could say that I am struggling to conquer. There is a huge part of me that now believes I can do so much, and because I have not yet achieved anything more than I set out to do, no reward I guess you could say, that part of me is restless.
I have learnt that even though it is ok to be who I am, life sometimes have a way of taking us places we need go.. My life at the moment is telling me I need to step back and look where I am, to truly see where I want to be.. What’s the worst that could happen?
As you get older you’ve learnt the hard way right and wrong, when you are younger, or haven’t learnt the hard way, you don’t grasp the concept of reactions to your actions, and the results of which are often defining moments in our lives.
A very long time ago one of my nephew’s was given a hand made necklace by my birth mother around the time he was born. The necklace was given to him to look after until I returned to New Zealand to collect it, and today I want to share with you just part of the journey that I travelled before I came back to collect that very special gift.
As most of you know I was adopted, and for a variety of reasons as I grew up I rebelled against everything that had the potential to hurt me, mostly because I didn’t know any different, but also because it was more fun at the time. I certainly didn’t mean to hurt anyone.
It was suggested to me that I should look for my birth parents, that in finding them I would unlock parts of myself that I had not yet discovered. I did not realise how true this would be until now. I was 18 I looked for, and a couple of years later found, my birth mother, and even though initially the relationship was ‘perfect’, like everything else in my life I quickly rebelled against who I was, lost who I perhaps could have become, and eventually this caused us both to move away from who we wanted each other to be, and even though this lead me to separately meet my birth father almost a year later, everything in my life to that point simply inspired me to leave New Zealand.
I got as far away from New Zealand as I could get with the resources I had, but at the same time this took me to Perth, in Western Australia, where my ex girlfriend had gone to be with her mother a year earlier when I had left her to go live with my birth mother, and I guess if I was being completely honest I was hoping we might get back together, but within 24 hours of being there everything changed when I had everything stolen, and was told by my ex that she was engaged, and pregnant to someone she had met there. All of which ultimately caused me to quickly loose contact with everyone I had known when the path I had chosen now led me on a journey that took me in, and again out, of so many other peoples lives, in a variety of situations, over many years, as I struggled to find my feet again, all over Australia.
Meanwhile back in New Zealand unbeknown to me, my birth mother has commissioned a lady to hand make a necklace from silver, the centre piece of which is a hand made silhouetted angel in an open box that hangs from the middle of the chain. She then gives this necklace to my nephew ‘to look after’ until his uncle returns to collect get it, something that happened about eleven years later, which is another story in itself. I assume that during this time the necklace became as much a part of his life, gathering more meaning as the years went by and he got older, as it was to eventually mean in mine when I was given it well over ten years later when I returned to New Zealand to re new, and in some ways complete, the journey/relationship I had started with my birth family, something that I was lucky enough to be able to do with what was in my life to date a minimum effort, and only small sacrifice, on my part.
The point I am trying to make is we all have our own journey, that this journey takes us places we do not always intend going, but it what we do when we get there that defines us and allows us to take our next step. For me I believe I need to step back, get myself back on my feet again and appreciate the last part of my journey before I start the next one.
I sit here looking at the necklace I so proudly wear around my wrist and see each link as a part of my life, and even though I am possibly the tarnished angel in the middle linking it all together, I wouldn’t want to be anyone else..
…sometimes we need to remember just how lucky we really are.
Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!
.K
The Weekly(ish) Update - Issue 0018
The Weekly(ish) Update
24th August 2010 - Issue Eighteen
Do you think I’ll meet a nice girl if I go to church?
“Faith is the only explanation I have for why I believe one person can make a difference. Hope is a definition I have to describe how I feel about the possibility one person is able to make that difference in the life of someone other than themself. Commitment is just one word that links Faith and Hope together”.
Things have stalled a little over the past week or so as far as getting my business up and running because I have distracted myself by setting up the flat I am in so that I am comfortable within its walls. In my spare time I have put photos up of friends and family on the window sills, collected various items of mine from around the country and arranged all the different pieces of my puzzle together, so now have myself firmly centred here in Hamilton.
I have been a little bit lonely though and so I have started to slowly but actively look for a lady friend, someone to not only snuggle up to at night, but also someone to share things with, someone to share life with seemingly like everyone else does, and last week this led me into a church for the first time ever by myself. The experience was a little strange, and it definitely took me out of my comfort zone, as the only other times I have been to church is for funerals, and the even rarer wedding in my life, but never by myself, and certainly never to ‘meet someone’.
In a weird way I think it is sensible to go to church to meet a nice girl, I think it will be more likely for me to meet a nice girl in church than it would be for me to meet one in a pub or somewhere else at the moment, especially since I now don’t drink, and no longer go out as often as I use to. I’m sure ‘God’ won’t mind.
Going to church came about because everyday on my way to work, and then again on the way home, I pass a church, and every day I was drawn to wonder what it was like inside. I have always had my own relationship with ‘God’, which I have always kept personal, something simply between me, and ‘Him’, well, up until now that is obviously.
I think that anyone who has been through as much in their life as I have personally believes in much more than themselves simply because their faith is often the only rational explanation for our lives and the content within them.
It is only since I have stopped drinking and made plans for my business etc that my life has become less of a rollercoaster and more of a journey, so everyday I would pass this place I would think about it more and more, until I eventually realised I would either have to go inside, or make the choice not to.
Before I began my bike ride around New Zealand I didn’t know I could complete it, shit, I didn’t even know why I was going to do it. I just knew that it was something that I had to do, something that would help me as much as it would help anyone else that was directly, or indirectly, a part of it.
I am sure that at some point I have mentioned that the original idea came from me sitting in front of the T.V watching a woman in Wellington jog 60km on her 60th birthday, and thinking to myself that if she could run that far at 60 years of age, then I should be able to ride my bike that far.
And that part is the truth, its just that the ‘idea’ came to me a lot quicker than I have previously suggested, the idea came to me so quickly in fact that for awhile I actually tried to not think about doing it because I thought the whole thing was crazy, a bit like me going to church.
You see I have had these ideas before, thoughts that just pop into my head that rationally not too many people would even consider, let alone actually do or try, but it seems I am a little different in this regard, because this is not the first time I have acted upon thoughts that have at the time seemed irrational, or thoughts that at the time I have considered a little weird, and yet it is these thoughts that have taken me places, physically, spiritually, and/or emotionally, that I would never have reached had I not extended myself beyond my comfort zone.
The idea for my bike ride came to me almost as a complete sentence. I just filled in the details and believed that no matter what happened I was doing something that was about more than just me. I have never mentioned this next part to any one before, but if I was to be completely honest, had I been killed by a car, or more likely one of those logging trucks, whilst I was riding my bike around New Zealand, I would have died happy because I was doing something I believe I was meant to do, because I listened to that voice in my head that told me what I thought I should do, regardless of how crazy it seemed.
I know I have not yet lived up to my full potential. I know I have ignored many of the thoughts that through out my life would have taken me further, but I also believe that whilst I am still alive I am still able to try to reach that potential, that it is never to late to try to be who I know inside myself that I am meant to be, that regardless of my present circumstances or situation, I still have the opportunity to live a life that satisfies who I am, and not who I pretend to be.
Sure living a life that is easy may be all fun and games, getting high and wasted may be the only seen option once trapped by drugs and alcohol, and that not remembering what we do is easier than remembering the details of where we each have been, than it is not easy to not use drugs and alcohol as a barrier, or remain sober, once you have been down this path.
It may be easier to make fun of someone less smart than you are, someone who does not have as much as you do, or is in some other way different to you, than it is to stand up for them, to give of yourself so that they may grow beyond anything they thought possible, and sure it may be easier to only put in sixty percent effort like everyone else does around you so not to stand out from the crowd, so that you fit in just like everyone else does, but I can tell you from experience that by taking the easy way out you are not actually living the life that you have been given, and you may never experience how good it really feels to be you. It may be easier, but that does not make it right.
We all have moments in our lives we will forever remember, instances that stand above all else in our minds for a variety of reasons, things that have directly or indirectly shaped who we are, in one form or another. These moments are life altering crossroads that if we sit and think about where they took us, the thought of where they could have taken us instead had we chosen ‘the other path’ becomes a part of the equation, and it is both of these options together that we must learn to understand, then use when we sum up the details of any event that has occurred in our life.
Some people may only have one or two of these ‘moments’ throughout their entire lifetime, some people may not have had any, and I would guess that one reason for that might be that in their lives ‘life’ has always been reasonably predicable, that their journey through life has always taken them where they expected to be, so thus nothing has leapt out and stood between where they were, and where they chose to be, who they chose through the choice of who to be.
And before we go any further please don’t think that I am saying that anyone who has not had to make a difficult choice in their life has not made the right choices, the point I am trying to make is that in life some people do have to make difficult choices, that those choices lead them towards, or away from, who they ultimately are trying to become, and at various points in a persons life we all will weigh up where exactly where we are on that journey in our own lives, whether we are failing, or on course to become who we should be, within the knowledge that also throughout our lives we adjust our own predetermined perception of who exactly that is going to be as we get older.
Maybe I am wrong, maybe everyone’s life is like mine and everyone else thinks like I do, maybe everyone’s life consists of series after series of choices that need to be made at the crossroads to truly be who they want to become, always looking for the next ‘intersection’ in life and understanding more and more as we get older the importance of each step taken towards, or away from, that person we want to be.
Maybe I am wrong and everyone thinks about the moments in their life that have involved someone else, moments that effect that someone directly through a course of action that we take, good or bad, and that someone comes to a crossroads in their path only because of something that has happened to them because of what I have done.
And within that what happens if I make the wrong choice, what happens to that person when they know the choice I made was wrong, but they still had to change their life because of my actions, whether they were prepared to or not.
I would like to think that everyone is like me, that the moments in their life that have had an effect on other people, usually people close to them but sometimes complete strangers as well, are moments that have also had an effect on my life, that my actions have led me somewhere and that the things I do are because they are who I am, that if I have made a mistake I act upon it, that if I have done wrong I either fix it or apologise for it, and when I do good I celebrate it, because my life is shared, it is not my own, and my life effects all those around me.
I have been extremely lucky to share a lot of very special moments in my life with a variety of people, some of those moments have been good, and others not so good, but all are a special part of my life because they all are a part of who I am, where I have been, and what I have done.
Over the past week I have seen how much my past means to me through the eyes of others, I have again seen how important the people in my past have been in my life, and yet it is only now that I realise that my past has not dictated who I have become, that perhaps I am who I have always been, and I would like to share this with someone.
And so I made the choice to go to church, and yes it was a little strange being in a room full of people praising ‘God’ by singing and waving their hands in the air, yes it was a little uncomfortable being in a room full of people who openly express what they believe together, and yes, I did try to fit in but only gave sixty percent effort in doing so, but I think I might go again…
…Do you think I’ll meet a nice girl if I go to church?
Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!
.K
Ps. I have added all previous “The Weekly(ish) Updates” to my blog, which you can get to easily via my website by simply ‘double clicking’ on the orange ‘B’ icon that appears on each page. Please feel free to look at it at your leisure and tell others about if you wish to. There is also links to Facebook and Twitter as well…
http://www.customvision.co.nz
24th August 2010 - Issue Eighteen
Do you think I’ll meet a nice girl if I go to church?
“Faith is the only explanation I have for why I believe one person can make a difference. Hope is a definition I have to describe how I feel about the possibility one person is able to make that difference in the life of someone other than themself. Commitment is just one word that links Faith and Hope together”.
Things have stalled a little over the past week or so as far as getting my business up and running because I have distracted myself by setting up the flat I am in so that I am comfortable within its walls. In my spare time I have put photos up of friends and family on the window sills, collected various items of mine from around the country and arranged all the different pieces of my puzzle together, so now have myself firmly centred here in Hamilton.
I have been a little bit lonely though and so I have started to slowly but actively look for a lady friend, someone to not only snuggle up to at night, but also someone to share things with, someone to share life with seemingly like everyone else does, and last week this led me into a church for the first time ever by myself. The experience was a little strange, and it definitely took me out of my comfort zone, as the only other times I have been to church is for funerals, and the even rarer wedding in my life, but never by myself, and certainly never to ‘meet someone’.
In a weird way I think it is sensible to go to church to meet a nice girl, I think it will be more likely for me to meet a nice girl in church than it would be for me to meet one in a pub or somewhere else at the moment, especially since I now don’t drink, and no longer go out as often as I use to. I’m sure ‘God’ won’t mind.
Going to church came about because everyday on my way to work, and then again on the way home, I pass a church, and every day I was drawn to wonder what it was like inside. I have always had my own relationship with ‘God’, which I have always kept personal, something simply between me, and ‘Him’, well, up until now that is obviously.
I think that anyone who has been through as much in their life as I have personally believes in much more than themselves simply because their faith is often the only rational explanation for our lives and the content within them.
It is only since I have stopped drinking and made plans for my business etc that my life has become less of a rollercoaster and more of a journey, so everyday I would pass this place I would think about it more and more, until I eventually realised I would either have to go inside, or make the choice not to.
Before I began my bike ride around New Zealand I didn’t know I could complete it, shit, I didn’t even know why I was going to do it. I just knew that it was something that I had to do, something that would help me as much as it would help anyone else that was directly, or indirectly, a part of it.
I am sure that at some point I have mentioned that the original idea came from me sitting in front of the T.V watching a woman in Wellington jog 60km on her 60th birthday, and thinking to myself that if she could run that far at 60 years of age, then I should be able to ride my bike that far.
And that part is the truth, its just that the ‘idea’ came to me a lot quicker than I have previously suggested, the idea came to me so quickly in fact that for awhile I actually tried to not think about doing it because I thought the whole thing was crazy, a bit like me going to church.
You see I have had these ideas before, thoughts that just pop into my head that rationally not too many people would even consider, let alone actually do or try, but it seems I am a little different in this regard, because this is not the first time I have acted upon thoughts that have at the time seemed irrational, or thoughts that at the time I have considered a little weird, and yet it is these thoughts that have taken me places, physically, spiritually, and/or emotionally, that I would never have reached had I not extended myself beyond my comfort zone.
The idea for my bike ride came to me almost as a complete sentence. I just filled in the details and believed that no matter what happened I was doing something that was about more than just me. I have never mentioned this next part to any one before, but if I was to be completely honest, had I been killed by a car, or more likely one of those logging trucks, whilst I was riding my bike around New Zealand, I would have died happy because I was doing something I believe I was meant to do, because I listened to that voice in my head that told me what I thought I should do, regardless of how crazy it seemed.
I know I have not yet lived up to my full potential. I know I have ignored many of the thoughts that through out my life would have taken me further, but I also believe that whilst I am still alive I am still able to try to reach that potential, that it is never to late to try to be who I know inside myself that I am meant to be, that regardless of my present circumstances or situation, I still have the opportunity to live a life that satisfies who I am, and not who I pretend to be.
Sure living a life that is easy may be all fun and games, getting high and wasted may be the only seen option once trapped by drugs and alcohol, and that not remembering what we do is easier than remembering the details of where we each have been, than it is not easy to not use drugs and alcohol as a barrier, or remain sober, once you have been down this path.
It may be easier to make fun of someone less smart than you are, someone who does not have as much as you do, or is in some other way different to you, than it is to stand up for them, to give of yourself so that they may grow beyond anything they thought possible, and sure it may be easier to only put in sixty percent effort like everyone else does around you so not to stand out from the crowd, so that you fit in just like everyone else does, but I can tell you from experience that by taking the easy way out you are not actually living the life that you have been given, and you may never experience how good it really feels to be you. It may be easier, but that does not make it right.
We all have moments in our lives we will forever remember, instances that stand above all else in our minds for a variety of reasons, things that have directly or indirectly shaped who we are, in one form or another. These moments are life altering crossroads that if we sit and think about where they took us, the thought of where they could have taken us instead had we chosen ‘the other path’ becomes a part of the equation, and it is both of these options together that we must learn to understand, then use when we sum up the details of any event that has occurred in our life.
Some people may only have one or two of these ‘moments’ throughout their entire lifetime, some people may not have had any, and I would guess that one reason for that might be that in their lives ‘life’ has always been reasonably predicable, that their journey through life has always taken them where they expected to be, so thus nothing has leapt out and stood between where they were, and where they chose to be, who they chose through the choice of who to be.
And before we go any further please don’t think that I am saying that anyone who has not had to make a difficult choice in their life has not made the right choices, the point I am trying to make is that in life some people do have to make difficult choices, that those choices lead them towards, or away from, who they ultimately are trying to become, and at various points in a persons life we all will weigh up where exactly where we are on that journey in our own lives, whether we are failing, or on course to become who we should be, within the knowledge that also throughout our lives we adjust our own predetermined perception of who exactly that is going to be as we get older.
Maybe I am wrong, maybe everyone’s life is like mine and everyone else thinks like I do, maybe everyone’s life consists of series after series of choices that need to be made at the crossroads to truly be who they want to become, always looking for the next ‘intersection’ in life and understanding more and more as we get older the importance of each step taken towards, or away from, that person we want to be.
Maybe I am wrong and everyone thinks about the moments in their life that have involved someone else, moments that effect that someone directly through a course of action that we take, good or bad, and that someone comes to a crossroads in their path only because of something that has happened to them because of what I have done.
And within that what happens if I make the wrong choice, what happens to that person when they know the choice I made was wrong, but they still had to change their life because of my actions, whether they were prepared to or not.
I would like to think that everyone is like me, that the moments in their life that have had an effect on other people, usually people close to them but sometimes complete strangers as well, are moments that have also had an effect on my life, that my actions have led me somewhere and that the things I do are because they are who I am, that if I have made a mistake I act upon it, that if I have done wrong I either fix it or apologise for it, and when I do good I celebrate it, because my life is shared, it is not my own, and my life effects all those around me.
I have been extremely lucky to share a lot of very special moments in my life with a variety of people, some of those moments have been good, and others not so good, but all are a special part of my life because they all are a part of who I am, where I have been, and what I have done.
Over the past week I have seen how much my past means to me through the eyes of others, I have again seen how important the people in my past have been in my life, and yet it is only now that I realise that my past has not dictated who I have become, that perhaps I am who I have always been, and I would like to share this with someone.
And so I made the choice to go to church, and yes it was a little strange being in a room full of people praising ‘God’ by singing and waving their hands in the air, yes it was a little uncomfortable being in a room full of people who openly express what they believe together, and yes, I did try to fit in but only gave sixty percent effort in doing so, but I think I might go again…
…Do you think I’ll meet a nice girl if I go to church?
Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!
.K
Ps. I have added all previous “The Weekly(ish) Updates” to my blog, which you can get to easily via my website by simply ‘double clicking’ on the orange ‘B’ icon that appears on each page. Please feel free to look at it at your leisure and tell others about if you wish to. There is also links to Facebook and Twitter as well…
http://www.customvision.co.nz
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
The Weekly(ish) Update - Issue 0017
The Weekly(ish) Update
21st July 2010
Issue Seventeen
The first step is hard, but not always the hardest..
I have had a busy couple of weeks since the last update. I have paid to register ‘Custom Vision’ as a company, got myself an accountant, a lawyer, spoke with two local printing companies about their process, checked out the items I need to purchase to begin to make my own picture frames, including a good electric mitre saw and the different items used to join the frames together. I have been to a ‘Be Your Own Boss’ seminar, designed and had printed some business cards, designed a flyer, and so have very much begun to set up my own business.
To pay for this, and my regular bills, I have managed to find myself a fulltime job anodising aluminium in a factory, a job that thankfully pays reasonably okay so I can again stand on my own two feet, something that over the next couple of months will allow me to further settle in to my new life here in Hamilton.
I have recently moved into the flat above the pub, somewhere I plan to stay long term and so I am now looking at ways to make living there more comfortable without spending a lot of money, I want to do things that remind me of who I am, where I have been, of my friends, family, goals, and dreams. Things that allow me to feel comfortable, small things like photos of people I care about, items from my past, and even just the option to listen to my music. I also need the normal household things as well like getting a home phone and an internet connection to access the outside world, because for the first time since leaving Australia I am again living in my own place, by myself.
Getting here hasn’t been easy. I have had to realise quickly that the things I want to do are not going to happen overnight no matter how motivated I am, because the things I want to do I have to earn, and the only way to do that is to put the time, and effort, into them so once they are achieved there is a sense of them being more than something that is easily obtainable, a sense that what I have achieved really is worth something more because of the effort required to create it. I now realise what I am doing is the biggest step of my life so far.
Part of me arrived in Hamilton thinking that I could take my idea, act upon it, and vola, my business would grow. The part I did not add into the equation was the bit where I would have to consistently act upon my idea, the part where I would have to do more than just start to do something, where I would actually have to consistently do something over a period of time, and then probably keep doing long after I began to see any results of my actions, for which ultimately there were no guarantees I would ever succeed, it is that part of me that has brought me here, and it is here that I now need to dig deeper from to do even more than I have ever done before.
Not knowing this has taken me away from spending time with my family, from doing things I have been doing to become focused on my one goal of doing everything possible to make my business a success, and I guess this is the hardest part of it all cos I feel I am not doing my part to maintain the relationships I have worked so hard to create, but I guess the positive side to that is at least I realise it, and can do more to maintain all of these relationships.
But I guess that’s the point isn’t it, I guess that’s why so many people go into business with such huge dreams discover the reality is so much different, I guess that’s why this challenge is something more than I imagined it would be, that there is another reason for me to make it work and prove to myself that everything I have spent time away from ultimately will be made better with the options I am creating for myself in the long term.
There are many things in my life that I have not done because I did not take the first step towards doing them. I think those few words only state the obvious, but there have also been many things I haven’t done where I have taken the first step, but for one reason or another not completed the original task.
I am easily distracted. I have so many ideas and things I want to do in my life running around in my head at any one moment that staying focused on any one thing is actually probably more difficult than doing the thing itself, and in my life so far this has cost me because I have literally bounced from place to place, scenario to scenario, never really being anything more than who I am within a particular moment of my life, taking what now seems like the easy way out by not growing with anyone, anywhere. Coming back to New Zealand after everything I went through changed that I think, ultimately wanting a relationship with my family first I think has changed me more than I can ever explain.
When I was a little kid I wanted to be a singer in a rock band, I wanted to play in front of thousands of people and conduct the audience with my music like I’d seen others do on T.V by getting them all to clap when I clapped etc, and I even remember being 5 or 6 years old and my adopted brother and me would set up bin lids, pots, pans, plus an array of other metal objects that remotely resembled what a young child could loosely define as instruments in the backyard, and bash them with no musical talent what so ever, over and over again, until someone complained and told us to stop.
It didn’t matter that I was no good at it, this innocent fantasy made me happy, and I’m smiling just thinking about it, but it was just a phase, a stage in my life that I eventually grew out of it after breaking a few wooden spoons that were used as drum sticks, and elastic bands that were used as guitar strings.
Over the years I went through many other stages, I still go through them now even though I think the ones I had when I was younger made me much happier because they were far less complicated, they are a part of life, a part of growing up, and a part of who I am, just like everything else I have done is, right or wrong.
A stage that I am yet to go through is becoming a parent, the part where I have to make a choice to give up a part of my life so that my child can quite simply be allowed to dream, be who ever they want to be, and be happy doing so, a choice that most parents willingly make without even realising that they have done so, and a choice that I hopefully one day get to make as a part of my life.
It’s funny, there are so many choices that we have to make in our lives each and every day, and each one of those choices leads us to somewhere else in our life. I remember reading a book many years ago about a guy who went on a journey to another country, and on this journey he discovered some old scrolls written before Jesus was a twinkle in god’s eye. The scrolls lead the fella on a journey of self discovery, which in short explained that everything living has an energy/soul/spirit, and that energy/soul/spirit reacts to how it is treated within any moment and we all have the ability to equally affect the world around us by how we interact within it.
Some people believe that talking to plants makes them happier and grow better, others would rather a relationship with a pet than a human because of how they react with each other, some see good in other people and bring out the best in all of us, and there are those who seem to always bring out the worst in us simply by being no more than who they are, but did you know that how you look at a situation can effect its outcome, regardless of your actual input into it?
Have you ever been on a bus, or somewhere there are lots of people and somehow been drawn to one person in particular, someone you do not know, someone that may or may not be attractive to you, someone who for within those few moments you can not stop thinking about? I believe most of us would have been in this situation, some of many times if it is something we realise we are doing, because we will obviously do it more often if we know we are doing it, but my point is that in this situation we are meant to (according to the scrolls) go up to that person and say hello, that the person (or thought) in that moment is our link to our next path in life, and by not talking to them, or acting upon a thought we have, we miss out on an opportunity we have to grow.
Now I know that some of you are shaking your head at me again, that’s okay, but I also know that there are a few of you out there who when you think about this it will make some sense to, and because I have tried it in my life, discovered that by doing more than simply having a thought and not acting upon it did in fact allow me to achieve things in my life that I would never have done had I not acted upon my thoughts, regardless of how strange they seemed at the time. Doing something more has made my life more complete than not doing anything at all.
The best example of this is ‘Cycle for Life’, an idea that I acted upon, something that when I first thought of the idea seemed completely unachievable so why even bother, but I did, and it was without any question in my mind the best thing I have done in my life so far.
It wasn’t easy, and the thinking about it was probably the easiest part of the whole thing, but it was worth it, and all I am saying here is that I believe it is okay to act upon our thoughts, that we each know ourselves well enough to know what is right or wrong for us within a particular moment, and by doing more than we otherwise would be doing has to result in something more happening than would otherwise happen if we chose to do nothing.
Our lives are dictated by the choices we make, by who we choose to be from the resulting actions that come from the choices we make, and regardless of who we are, where we have been, it is the choices that we make that will determine the choices we allow ourselves to have not only today, but more importantly tomorrow as well.
For those of you interested in trying a little experiment this week, try acting upon the thoughts you have that you would normally ignore, like for example you sitting next to someone somewhere and you are strangely drawn to someone a few seats away, go out of your way to simply say hello to them, see where the conversation takes you, they might recommend a movie they have seen, or song they have listened to, go see it or listen to it yourself, see where that takes you.
Please don’t do anything silly, walking up to a complete stranger and trying to kiss them because you ‘think’ it would feel nice will probably not get them same reaction as a simple “hello, how are you today?’”. Stopping someone from being where they need to be may again not receive the desired response. Do not expect talking to one person will lead you to where you will end up, they might simply distract you long enough so the person, or moment, you are meant to discover has time to get where they need to be, and don’t hide what you are doing if you are up for it, tell the person you are talking to what you are doing and the resulting conversation may surprise you even further.
If anyone wants to read the book, it is called The Celestine Prophecies (I think) and I enjoyed reading it, regardless of its slightly out there take on the way things are, its message is simple, things react to how they are reacted to, and if we react to something we will receive a reaction, to which we can again react.
I have a long way to go before my business is up and running, there are many things that I need to do for that to happen, but by continuing to work towards my goal I know that there is a greater chance that I will succeed than if I simply think about doing the things I need to do to make it work, but by thinking about the things I need to do I am giving myself more options if I act upon those thoughts.
Sometimes our thoughts are only the beginning, sometimes doing something about those thoughts is only the beginning…
…the first step is hard, but not always the hardest.
Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!
.K
21st July 2010
Issue Seventeen
The first step is hard, but not always the hardest..
I have had a busy couple of weeks since the last update. I have paid to register ‘Custom Vision’ as a company, got myself an accountant, a lawyer, spoke with two local printing companies about their process, checked out the items I need to purchase to begin to make my own picture frames, including a good electric mitre saw and the different items used to join the frames together. I have been to a ‘Be Your Own Boss’ seminar, designed and had printed some business cards, designed a flyer, and so have very much begun to set up my own business.
To pay for this, and my regular bills, I have managed to find myself a fulltime job anodising aluminium in a factory, a job that thankfully pays reasonably okay so I can again stand on my own two feet, something that over the next couple of months will allow me to further settle in to my new life here in Hamilton.
I have recently moved into the flat above the pub, somewhere I plan to stay long term and so I am now looking at ways to make living there more comfortable without spending a lot of money, I want to do things that remind me of who I am, where I have been, of my friends, family, goals, and dreams. Things that allow me to feel comfortable, small things like photos of people I care about, items from my past, and even just the option to listen to my music. I also need the normal household things as well like getting a home phone and an internet connection to access the outside world, because for the first time since leaving Australia I am again living in my own place, by myself.
Getting here hasn’t been easy. I have had to realise quickly that the things I want to do are not going to happen overnight no matter how motivated I am, because the things I want to do I have to earn, and the only way to do that is to put the time, and effort, into them so once they are achieved there is a sense of them being more than something that is easily obtainable, a sense that what I have achieved really is worth something more because of the effort required to create it. I now realise what I am doing is the biggest step of my life so far.
Part of me arrived in Hamilton thinking that I could take my idea, act upon it, and vola, my business would grow. The part I did not add into the equation was the bit where I would have to consistently act upon my idea, the part where I would have to do more than just start to do something, where I would actually have to consistently do something over a period of time, and then probably keep doing long after I began to see any results of my actions, for which ultimately there were no guarantees I would ever succeed, it is that part of me that has brought me here, and it is here that I now need to dig deeper from to do even more than I have ever done before.
Not knowing this has taken me away from spending time with my family, from doing things I have been doing to become focused on my one goal of doing everything possible to make my business a success, and I guess this is the hardest part of it all cos I feel I am not doing my part to maintain the relationships I have worked so hard to create, but I guess the positive side to that is at least I realise it, and can do more to maintain all of these relationships.
But I guess that’s the point isn’t it, I guess that’s why so many people go into business with such huge dreams discover the reality is so much different, I guess that’s why this challenge is something more than I imagined it would be, that there is another reason for me to make it work and prove to myself that everything I have spent time away from ultimately will be made better with the options I am creating for myself in the long term.
There are many things in my life that I have not done because I did not take the first step towards doing them. I think those few words only state the obvious, but there have also been many things I haven’t done where I have taken the first step, but for one reason or another not completed the original task.
I am easily distracted. I have so many ideas and things I want to do in my life running around in my head at any one moment that staying focused on any one thing is actually probably more difficult than doing the thing itself, and in my life so far this has cost me because I have literally bounced from place to place, scenario to scenario, never really being anything more than who I am within a particular moment of my life, taking what now seems like the easy way out by not growing with anyone, anywhere. Coming back to New Zealand after everything I went through changed that I think, ultimately wanting a relationship with my family first I think has changed me more than I can ever explain.
When I was a little kid I wanted to be a singer in a rock band, I wanted to play in front of thousands of people and conduct the audience with my music like I’d seen others do on T.V by getting them all to clap when I clapped etc, and I even remember being 5 or 6 years old and my adopted brother and me would set up bin lids, pots, pans, plus an array of other metal objects that remotely resembled what a young child could loosely define as instruments in the backyard, and bash them with no musical talent what so ever, over and over again, until someone complained and told us to stop.
It didn’t matter that I was no good at it, this innocent fantasy made me happy, and I’m smiling just thinking about it, but it was just a phase, a stage in my life that I eventually grew out of it after breaking a few wooden spoons that were used as drum sticks, and elastic bands that were used as guitar strings.
Over the years I went through many other stages, I still go through them now even though I think the ones I had when I was younger made me much happier because they were far less complicated, they are a part of life, a part of growing up, and a part of who I am, just like everything else I have done is, right or wrong.
A stage that I am yet to go through is becoming a parent, the part where I have to make a choice to give up a part of my life so that my child can quite simply be allowed to dream, be who ever they want to be, and be happy doing so, a choice that most parents willingly make without even realising that they have done so, and a choice that I hopefully one day get to make as a part of my life.
It’s funny, there are so many choices that we have to make in our lives each and every day, and each one of those choices leads us to somewhere else in our life. I remember reading a book many years ago about a guy who went on a journey to another country, and on this journey he discovered some old scrolls written before Jesus was a twinkle in god’s eye. The scrolls lead the fella on a journey of self discovery, which in short explained that everything living has an energy/soul/spirit, and that energy/soul/spirit reacts to how it is treated within any moment and we all have the ability to equally affect the world around us by how we interact within it.
Some people believe that talking to plants makes them happier and grow better, others would rather a relationship with a pet than a human because of how they react with each other, some see good in other people and bring out the best in all of us, and there are those who seem to always bring out the worst in us simply by being no more than who they are, but did you know that how you look at a situation can effect its outcome, regardless of your actual input into it?
Have you ever been on a bus, or somewhere there are lots of people and somehow been drawn to one person in particular, someone you do not know, someone that may or may not be attractive to you, someone who for within those few moments you can not stop thinking about? I believe most of us would have been in this situation, some of many times if it is something we realise we are doing, because we will obviously do it more often if we know we are doing it, but my point is that in this situation we are meant to (according to the scrolls) go up to that person and say hello, that the person (or thought) in that moment is our link to our next path in life, and by not talking to them, or acting upon a thought we have, we miss out on an opportunity we have to grow.
Now I know that some of you are shaking your head at me again, that’s okay, but I also know that there are a few of you out there who when you think about this it will make some sense to, and because I have tried it in my life, discovered that by doing more than simply having a thought and not acting upon it did in fact allow me to achieve things in my life that I would never have done had I not acted upon my thoughts, regardless of how strange they seemed at the time. Doing something more has made my life more complete than not doing anything at all.
The best example of this is ‘Cycle for Life’, an idea that I acted upon, something that when I first thought of the idea seemed completely unachievable so why even bother, but I did, and it was without any question in my mind the best thing I have done in my life so far.
It wasn’t easy, and the thinking about it was probably the easiest part of the whole thing, but it was worth it, and all I am saying here is that I believe it is okay to act upon our thoughts, that we each know ourselves well enough to know what is right or wrong for us within a particular moment, and by doing more than we otherwise would be doing has to result in something more happening than would otherwise happen if we chose to do nothing.
Our lives are dictated by the choices we make, by who we choose to be from the resulting actions that come from the choices we make, and regardless of who we are, where we have been, it is the choices that we make that will determine the choices we allow ourselves to have not only today, but more importantly tomorrow as well.
For those of you interested in trying a little experiment this week, try acting upon the thoughts you have that you would normally ignore, like for example you sitting next to someone somewhere and you are strangely drawn to someone a few seats away, go out of your way to simply say hello to them, see where the conversation takes you, they might recommend a movie they have seen, or song they have listened to, go see it or listen to it yourself, see where that takes you.
Please don’t do anything silly, walking up to a complete stranger and trying to kiss them because you ‘think’ it would feel nice will probably not get them same reaction as a simple “hello, how are you today?’”. Stopping someone from being where they need to be may again not receive the desired response. Do not expect talking to one person will lead you to where you will end up, they might simply distract you long enough so the person, or moment, you are meant to discover has time to get where they need to be, and don’t hide what you are doing if you are up for it, tell the person you are talking to what you are doing and the resulting conversation may surprise you even further.
If anyone wants to read the book, it is called The Celestine Prophecies (I think) and I enjoyed reading it, regardless of its slightly out there take on the way things are, its message is simple, things react to how they are reacted to, and if we react to something we will receive a reaction, to which we can again react.
I have a long way to go before my business is up and running, there are many things that I need to do for that to happen, but by continuing to work towards my goal I know that there is a greater chance that I will succeed than if I simply think about doing the things I need to do to make it work, but by thinking about the things I need to do I am giving myself more options if I act upon those thoughts.
Sometimes our thoughts are only the beginning, sometimes doing something about those thoughts is only the beginning…
…the first step is hard, but not always the hardest.
Till soon.. Stay safe.. Be You!!!
.K
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