The Weekly(ish) Update - Issue 0012

The Weekly(ish) Update
31st December 2009
Issue Twelve

Things never end how they begin…

Another year has been and is now gone, and as much as I thought I would be saying that I have had a really shitty year, when I think about it I must admit that it wasn’t that bad after all, that I have in fact done more this year than any other to insure that the next year holds more potential than any other year before it, and that is simply not because of what has happened, but what I have done.

Sure it did not go to plan, far from it, and most of that can be traced back to a single event this time last year which allowed other people the opportunity to change my goals for 2009, goals that I thought would find me moving towards where I wanted to be in a particular way, but everything changed almost the moment I decided what I was going to do, and it has literally taken me up until this moment to fully appreciate what I have achieved with everything that has happened, and what I have done in response to it all.

Significantly, two of my aunties died this year from cancer, and I am grateful that I had the chance to get to know each of them, that I came back from Australia to spend time getting to know people who took the time to share moments with me, to get to know me just a little bit, because those moments I will treasure forever.

Last Christmas I drove around the North Island to spend an hour or so with my birth father, and my two very sick aunties, before I drove to Auckland to see my birth mother. A day that reminded me of what an emotional roller coaster I have been on since coming back to New Zealand to meet my birth family for, what was for most, the very first time, and how much I have grown since then, that because I was willing to do so much to simply share a moment knowing almost everyone wanted more from me, which even today I think very few people really understand, I gained so much more within the moments I shared with everyone, and how they all became a part of my life.

That was the very first time I had spent Christmas day with my birth mother, and father, on the same day, which meant heaps to me on its own, but add to that I started the day at my adopted parents, meant I spent my first ever Christmas with all of my family, ever, which I think is pretty cool, but at the same time it was not an easy because knowing I could only share a moment with each meant I couldn’t really relax and really enjoy it.

Seeing both of my aunties was good, but very hard, as they were both so sick with cancer you could see how much those around them were hurting, and yet the day was perfect, even though I didn’t get to see some of my family because they were doing other things that meant when I got to them they were not home, which was a shame, but not something I dwelled on because I did my best and I had tried to see everyone.

I didn’t drink to celebrate Christmas, the first chance for that was when I left on tour and had a couple of drinks at the end of that day, but it was nothing major though.

A couple of hours sleep and I started a day that has led me to change my life more than I ever wanted to, a day that I have relived over and over in my head regularly ever since it happened, trying to understand why it happened, why people who did not know me decided what was best for me, and why events lined up to create a situation that caused me to unfairly loose everything I had worked so hard for.

This year has not been easy, which I have just realised a few of you who know me quite well might find a strange thing for me to say after everything else I have been through in my life, considering this year I found myself a new job to earn a little bit of money, had a place to stay at night, food to eat etc, and compared to so many other years I have had, this year on the surface has not been all that bad, but when you factor in how hard I have worked over the years to not let myself have a future that was my past, how hard I have worked to stand on my own two feet and not only look after myself, but those around me, then to have let others take that away from me, meant that this year has at times been harder than any other year before it.

Because of everything that happened I decided to make two major changes in my life this year, changes that were not planned, nor were they made because I felt I was doing something wrong and needed to change, but changes I have made to prevent certain events happening again, to prevent other people again having leverage to change my path in life in the same way that happened this year ever again.

The first change is that I no longer drink alcohol and/or use any drugs, something that is a massive change in my life because it was a huge part of my life, as this is how I’ve grown up, but something I decided to do in part to honour a commitment to one of my aunties, and also because I believe that this choice will allow me the best opportunity to succeed with my goals, eliminating many distractions, and giving me the best possible focus on achieving everything I am setting out to do in the future.

The second change is I have put myself into a position where I will no longer work for anyone else ever again, that I am now in a position to start my own business, using my talents to earn my own money, and truly stand on my own two feet.

I think that is one of the main reasons I have changed so many things in my life, is because this year I have missed the freedom to do what I want to do when I want to do it, I have missed spending time with my birth father, my birth mother, my sisters, and brother, my nieces and nephews, aunties and uncles, and all of my friends, not because I want, or need anything from them, but because I have at time been reminded through the eyes of others how much I have enjoyed sharing moments with all of these people, how much better my life is with all of these people a part of it.

One of the biggest highlights for me this year has been being a part of my adopted brothers two girls life, my youngest nieces have grown before me and as such I have become a part of who they are, and for me, someone who for many years felt like he was not a part of anything, that has meant so much.

I have realised many things this past year, I have realised that all of my family is the most important thing in my life, that my real friends are part of that family, that I can be true to myself without hiding beneath a mask because the people who really care about me like me for who I really am, not who I disguise myself to be, that life is hard if I choose it to be, that bad things happen to good people, and that it is only when we change what we do that we can change the things that are around us, sharing the things that have allowed me to grow more than any other year before it.

I have a lot of plans for 2010, the two big ones though are ‘Cycle for Life’ and ‘Custom Vision’, but there are a lot of things I am looking forward to doing that will bring me closer to my major goal of building a house on the piece of land I want to buy within the next four years, finally creating myself a ‘home’, and that is what I have been setting myself up to work towards this past year, that is what I am going to continue to work towards this coming year, and for that I can argue 2009 has not been the shitty year I thought it may have been.

I would like to thank you all for being a part of who I am, and who I have become, there is so much I now have to do and I even though I know I have to do what I need to do on my own, I do it with the support of everyone who is, and has been, a part of my life now, and forever.

I hope you all had a very merry Christmas, a safe, and happy New Years eve, and may I just say no matter where you are, what you are doing, or how you feel at a particular moment, in any part of any day, that regardless of what happens to you, “things never end how they begin”.

All the best for 2010 everyone (“,)

.K

PS. …and to my best friend, Peter Michael Wall, who died at almost the exact time this message is sent, on New Years day so many years ago, I still miss you my friend.